Month15-Month and Month 16

Dear Jack,

On New Year's Eve, your father and I were reminiscing on the year now, almost behind us. We talked about how much you have grown- your eye level now reaches a couple of inches above the window sill so that you are able to see out into the world beyond your four walls. We started to think of the milestones you have accomplished, and the remembering the cute things that you do and used to do. What we did not expect, was how much we had already forgotten. All of the adorable things that we swore to ourselves we would sear into our brains and remember never to forget...we forgot. How you used to play peek-a-boo with one finger on each hand and barely cover your eyes. How you started saying "yes" way before you starting saying "no" and how we thought we had to be the luckiest parents ever because you were agreeable to everything. "Hey Jack, would you like to go to bed?" You would promptly say "yes" and walk into your room. "Jack, would you like some fruit?" You would gleefully say "yes"! "Jack, would you like to watch yourself while mommy and daddy go out on the town- here are the emergency numbers!" "YES" you would reply. Unfortunately you only said "yes" until you said no...and now "no" is all you say. Half the time you say "no" as you are agreeing to our question with your actions. I will ask you if you want a drink, and you will say "no" as you extend your hands out for your cup. ANYWAY...I have gotten a little off subject. What I was getting at, is that I started to write these letters to you because I wanted to remember the little nuances that I was afraid to forget. Until one day I got cocky and figured I would not forget...but you see, you grew up TOO fast. WAY too fast. What are you doing?! Slow down. It's like, today I was teaching you the word "please" and tomorrow you'll be asking me to borrow the car...with a "please" of course. I look at your pictures just from August of this year, and I feel the pressure well up behind my eyes. I can not handle knowing that you will never be that little again. Maybe if I just hold you tightly enough, you'll stay little and innocent and oblivious.

Regardless, no matter how fast you grow-up, please do not forget how much we love you. I do not regret any decision I have ever made, because if I had not made them then I would not have you. Grow-up, just do not forget where home is and what it means.

Love,
Dad-dy (as you call me....trust me, it was not your dad-dy who was up with you 67 times last night)

Month 14

Dear Jack,

You have become a lot more active in the last month. You run faster, and hit run into walls harder. There are those movies where is always guy standing on a train track and a train is coming at him. He has a good minute to move his feet forward and walk off the tracks, but he stands there and screams and chooses to not move. I'll see you in a situation where I have a feeling you are going to fall into something, and I find myself just cringing and holding my breath in preparation. It is kind of like that.

Right now it is fall, my absolute favorite time of the year. While you were in my tummy for that 9 months, 2 days, 22 hours and 6 minutes- I would find myself thinking of all of the fun things we would be able to do with you. We would dye Easter eggs, go to the zoo, go to the pumpkin patch, pick out a Christmas tree, bake cookies for santa and so on. Last year at this time, you were still quite the little blob and your participation in those things was obviously not going to happen. So you can imagine my excitement this year because you are at a stage in your life when you are starting to discover things and are curious and excited about everything. So, we went to the Zoo a couple of weeks ago. I was so excited- I mean, you LOVE your plastic elephant, surely you'll love the big live one only football field's length behind a fence!!! By the time we got to the real elephant at the zoo,you were reaching for your stroller. Ok- so you aren't ready for the zoo. Surely you'll love the pumpkin patch!! So, last weekend we went. We got on the hayride and we got off where all of the pumpkins were sprawled out through the fields. PUMPKINS WERE EVERYWHERE! BIG ORANGE THINGS YOU COULD CLIMB ON, THROW, AND DESTROY! I figured that once I put you down you would never want to come home. We would have to change your address to 101 Pumpkin Field On The Right, Pittsburgh, PA. So, I put you down. You looked around- assessed your surroundings- looked back at me and made your "come here mom" sign with your hands so that I would pick you up. What else you got mom? See, that? By bubble.

I am starting to get the feeling that this is what happens for most parents. That they are more excited at the thought of the memory they are going to make, then letting the memory happen for itself. I am not surprised though. I find myself doing that with most things in life; playing out events in my mind before they happen. How I think things will go, how perfectly I plan things out in my mind. It is why I am so easily pleased, and yet so easily disappointed. I hope that you aren't like that. I hope that you are responsible and think before you leap, but I also how you do not obsess over things before they even happen. I hope you simply expect an event to be what it is going to be- and leave the possibilities open. Be a dreamer my baby, but don't forget to watch where you are walking.

Love,

Mommy

Month 13

Dear Jack,

I was originally going to talk about your new obsession with playing 64 pick-up with the crayon box - not my favorite game- how you love to nest in your father's golf ball collection, and even how you have grown so attached to the lady at daycare that it makes my heart ache. Instead I have decided to talk about something happening right now that you will possibly read about in school when you are older- but like so many things I learned about in history classes, not truly appreciate the true intensity and fearfulness surrounding the situation.

Our country has been lending money to people to buy houses, cars, businesses, and to take out credit cards with large amounts of spending room. This is of course fine, however, a lot of people in this world are motivated by one thing: to impress their neighbors, friends, family, and even strangers with all of the extravagences they own. The problem is, these neighbors, friends, family, and strangers do not pay the balances that these people have open. There is a cliche that my grandmother said to me and I am sure I will say to you "eat with your stomach and not with your eyes"- just because that cupcake looks good, doesn't mean it should go on your plate. Over the last decade or so, people have been seeing everything they want but not thinking about what they can actually handle. Over time, these people realize that they can not afford the extravagences they wanted and eventually default on all of those open balances. The problem is, that the banks have already paid out this money to the car companies, stores, brokers, etc and now this money is an open debt. Those open debts have accumulated over time and have slowly brought the country we live in into a dire economic situation. People who have invested money over the last 30 years into their retirement accounts now do not have enought to retire on. Banks are closing, companies are closing, people are losing their jobs, and the price of food and gas has gone up tremendously. It is a scary time, and there is a definite uncertainty to our very near future. A lot of people are scared, myself included, that things will get too out of control and the economy will go into a recession.
You are probably wondering why I am telling you this, why this even matters to you right now. All you care about is where your next oreo is coming from. But, the thing is that sometimes there will not be oreos. Sometimes there might only be crackers, and you'll kick and scream and you'll tell us how much you want an oreo right this second and how horrible we are as parents for not giving you that oreo. And it will not be that we do not want to give you an oreo and that we are going out of our way to be cruel parents because we get out kicks out of watching you scream and writhe on the floor. One day there may be oreos every week, but until your father and I can get to that point financially- sometimes there will not be enough money for oreos because we will need milk instead or because you need to go to the doctor. You have to make sacrifices to survive.

I used to think money grew on trees- that it was so easily attainable and so was anything else I wanted. Unfortunately, it isn't and even if you are able to get all of those out of your league things that you want-you'll only have it temporarily- and things will eventually catch up with you and you will find yourself in a horrible predicament. And, no matter how much money we do make, there is still a good chance you'll find yourself still writhing on the floor screaming because we wouldnt buy you a new toy that you absolutely needed because everyone else has it and you dont.
If you learn anything growing up, I hope you learn to have an appreciation for what you do have and not obsess over what you do not have. There is not a rush to buy a house, a brand new car, to have a closet full of name brand clothing, or to have the most high tech gadgets available. Let things happen when they are supposed to and never put yourself in a situation that makes things financially tight if they do not have to be. Pay your rent and your other bills before you go out to dinner with your friends or before you buy that new television that your friend has. Always have something saved just in case, and do not live off or depend on credit cards.
Don't let your eyes get away with what your gut doesn't feel it is ready to handle.

Love,
Mommy

Bar Fights

Apparently, Jack sneaks out at daycare and goes to the local Conway bars to hang out with his buddies. Yesterday, his friend Frank started making comments about how hot his mom is. This offended Jack- he does't appreciate people calling his mom hot in front of him, so Jack did what any one year old would do and punched Frank in the face. All of the sudden, the whole bar broke out into a giant brawl, and Jack was left with some battle wounds.

I think Jack should use that story instead of telling his friends he tripped and fell into the pink plastic pool at daycare. It sounds a lot more bad ass.

Twenty Four Candles

I have to admit, after my 21st birthday, birthdays themselves started to become normal days. Today, however, was actually pretty wonderful.

We dropped off the endeavor for the paint job today, and we needed a rental car because we had things that needed done and only having one car would have made doing them impossible. When enterprise came with the rental car, I almost peed myself when I saw what it was. She must have known it was my birthday, because I got to drive around all day in this:



Apparently, there was a high demand for ford focuses or hyundai accents, because the "Jag" was the car they decided to bring for me. SO exciting. I learned two things while driving it today:

1) Nice cars make driving fun again

2) Bill and I will not have nice cars until our children are out of the house. I wouldnt let Jack drink his milk while he was in the car. Well, correction, I would not let Jack throw his milk around the car. I refuse to have really nice things right now, because I refuse to be paranoid 24/7 and worrying if Jack will spill something on it or lick it or do whatever else he does to things.

On top of the sweet ride, there were also other birthday perks. The wind last night knocked out the power at work, and so we didnt do anything all day and I left at 2pm. Sweet. Then my mom made dinner and cake for us and got us a new camera (which we REALLY needed) and my husband got me flowers and chocolate...and it was just a really good day.

It felt really great to have a birthday that was extraordinary. However, now I have high-expectations...I mean next year I have to at least be able to drive a porsche :)

Don't buy a Mitsubishi

About a month ago, Bill and I put a claim into Mitsubishi to fix the paint job on our car. From 55k miles, the paint started to deteriorate, and it has since been spreading like a cancer all over the car. The car looks horrible, like it was taken to the Sun and put there to bake for a year. Not only is it embarrassing to drive around in, because it looks like we do not take care of it but it is also getting down to the primer in a lot of spots and that could cause structural problems down the line.

Today, we found out that the dealer will pay $2k, and we would have to take care of the rest. The cheapest quote was $2942, but the rep from the dealership got them to go down to $2500, so we would "only" have to pay the remaining $500. Thank goodness I have the money left over that I had put away in case it needed work during inspection. I am happy that they said they would do it, but I am also still peeved. They act they are doing us a favor- "good will" is the term they used. Apparently, they need new dictionarys, because favors are things you do for people when the problem they have is NOT your fault. We didn't destroy the paint, Mitsubishi didn't do their job. If you research on the internet, you will find thousands of people with the same problem as us. In fact, when we had made the claim there was another car in the lot parked right next to us with the same problem!!!! But, they are doing us a favor.

Oh well, at least it will look nice again.

I also called to try and extend the warranty on the car. They want a $400 down payment and then $186 a month for four years. Sigh, I know that it would be worse if that car would break down in 20 thousand miles and need a new engine, but I also do not have an extra $400 plus an extra $200/month to even put myself in a safer position. This is so discouraging. The car already has 90K on it ( i know i know...thats A LOT for an 04), but it was our only car for a year and a half, and add a trip from florida and a couple back and forth to Johnsonburg, and it added up. It isn't even like we go on road trips, we just used it for basic traveling to and from work and the grocery store and stuff. It won't even be paid off until 2013. Sometimes I wish someone would hit it hard enough to total it without Jack being in the car and without anyone getting hurt. I dont care if it breaks down the day after it is paid off, I just hope and PRAY that it doesnt need any major work until then.

I enjoy being in one piece.

I am all about gas conservation, but there comes a point when safety out weighs more miles per gallon. I wonder if people who buy little itty bitty cars consider the other very large and not itty bitty cars on the road.

That is why this:



Is why you will you never see me in this:

Random Musing

It used to take me forever to pack. Honestly- at least two hours, and that was just for my clothing. Last night, I packed for this weekends football game and I think it took me all of 15 mins- if that. I dont think it is because I don't "care" about what I look like, because I certainly do. I think after Jack was born and now that I am married, I am less concerned with going out of my way to make an effort. I used to bring 30 outfits for a 7 day trip, because I didnt know what I might want to wear. When I went on vacation with my family in July, I packed one outfit for everyday, a couple of beach shorts, a couple t shirts for running or bed, and the undies. I began to realize it isn't exactly what you wear, it is how you wear it. If I feel just as good after spending only 15 minutes getting ready as I did when I spent 2 hours getting ready, than that is all that matters. Not to mention, I have to have all of that spare time getting the baby ready. In fact HE is the one I bring 30 outfits for. Then you need bottles and cups and toys and snacks and diapers and wipes and medicine and extra juice...and that is just to go to Target for some milk.

Anyway, back on track. I am afraid that I will become TOO lazy with myself. That one day I won't even bother to fold the clothes I put in a suit case. Who cares if I look like I just stepped off a 18 hour plane ride!

So many people seem to "let themselves go" when they get married and start having kids. It's like all of the sudden, now that you have children to get ready you can't take five minutes to put on some lip gloss and nice sweater. And, what is even worse, is that it is pitied:

"Who dressed her this morning, her blind cat? Oh, nevermind she's married and a mother. poor thing, i'm surprised she put her bra on this morning."

I'm really not sure where I am going with this.

I want my husband to be married to the person he first met, and not just a frumpy shell of what once was. I am happy that I have become simpler, but I do not want to lose some of the things that made me ME. It shouldn't feel selfish to work out, buy a new outfit that wasn't made by hanes-her-way one in a while, and have 5 mins to put on some make-up...even if it is just going to Target to pick up milk.

I don't know what to think.

Today, I was talking about people that are currently pregnant with the person I was with.

me: I want to have another baby

person: But you hardly have time for the one you have.

ouch? the person tried to explain that what they meant to say was that wasn't it too soon because jack is still so young. But, that's a completely different statement and the damage was already done.

I drove home crying. I do the best I can. I never though I would be a working mother. Maybe I shouldn't have more children. Maybe it is selfish. I know that I probably will never be able to be a stay at home mom, so why have another child that goes to daycare five days a week? who only sees their mother in the morning, evening, and weekends...and holidays. And, during tax season? Well, what mother? I work 6 days a week during that time and some days I am not home until 8 or 9.

It isn't like the thought never crossed my mind before it was said by someone else. I try and spend the time I am not working with Jack, but sometimes I need a break. Maybe I am not the best mother I should be. I don't know. I guess I won't know until my son decides whether or not he needs therapy.

1 year down, many to go...

Yesterday was Jack's first birthday party. We had a couple immediate family members over, some burgers, and some cake. As I was cleaning up the plastic cups and birthday plates covered in icing, it finally sunk in that my baby was one. It was a celebration of more than surviving the 1400 dirty diapers, 1900 bottles, 300 sleepless nights, 46 toys to step on in the dark, 24 ruined outfits, 18 stains on the carpet, and 2 very and tantrum filled car rides a day. For every dirty diaper there were 5 giggles, for every bottle there were 4 hugs and kisses, for every toe stub there were 3 milestones, and for every ruined out fit and stain and tantrum there was a little boy who lit up at the sight of his mommy and daddy.

It has been a hard year, but a rewarding year. And, it was nice to indulge in a slice of cake and a few martini's to be celebrate how grateful I am for every moment- regardless of how much hair I have pulled out of my head.

Twins?

Everytime I see Phelps on TV or in a picture, I can not stop thinking that he looks SO familiar. Than it hit me!!!!




Phelps...meet my brother Jason. I am sure another picture of Jason would do the comparison more justice, but this is the only one I could find (because jason does not take pictures).

Twins....brothers....distant cousins.....soul mates? you decide.

If you have not performed your good deed for today...

...here is a way to cross it off your list.

Since I became a wife and mother, my heart has gotten softer to family problems. When I saw this, I couldn't help but wonder, "I can not imagine what I would do..." So, since I could only hope people would come together for my family, I think it is only right to come through for another in need.



http://www.nierecovery.com/

Month Twelve

Dear Jack,

Today you turned one year old (well, it is only 9:01pm so you will not technically be a year old for another hour and five minutes).

This was another exciting month: you started walking. It was completely out of nowhere; one second you were holding onto things and flailing forward and the next you were strolling across the living room. You really dedicated yourself to walking too. If you fell down, you would crawl a few steps to gain momentum and up you went again. The last few weeks you have found smoothness, and where before you hated wearing shoes- today you hand them to us so that we put them on.

This month was also your first camping trip. We thought that if we put you in a room by yourself at night, you would be fine. Unfortunately, you weren't having it and you and I were up almost the entire first night. I would put you in bed with me and think you were actually going to fall asleep, but you would quickly decide "nope" and grab my face whilst laughing. I read not to long ago that no matter how frustrated or horrible a mother is feeling, all she has to do is see her child smile and serotonin is automatically released into her body and she feels happy and relaxed. That must be true, because no matter how tired and frustrated I got, as soon as you smiled all I could do was laugh. Other than the sleepless nights, you did very well. You had your first canoe ride, were introduced to fire, and had a great time digging in the dirt.

Your dad and I wanted to try and make your first birthday as special as we could. It isn't like you can tell us what you want to do or what you would like for dinner, so we did the best we could. I let you do things that I wouldn't usually let you do, like: pulling all of the glad sandwich bags out of the box, play with the remote, throw food in the bathtub, and even eat pop tarts for lunch. We took you to Toys'r'us and you walked around aimlessly in circles with us in tow. We bought you some match box cars and some safari animals, all of with you call a variation of the word "dog". We had dinner, went to the park, came back and ate cake (well, you threw yours at the wall).

The whole day, I found myself thinking back to a year ago. "Right now a year ago I was.....". Right now, at 9:14pm, one year ago I was sitting in a hospital bed about 10 minutes from pushing. Having you was one of the most amazing and humbling experiences of my entire life. Words can't explain how I felt the moment they placed you on my stomach. Every time I watch silly shows with babies being born, I feel the stinging pressure behind my eyes because I start to feel what I felt at that moment all over again.

In some ways this year has gone slow because I can not remember what it felt like before you were here, and fast because I can not believe you are already a year old. You are no longer the fragile baby who lay still and helpless in my arms. Today you are a rough and tough little boy full of personality and energy. You always want to go, but you always know who to turn to if you fall down or just need you mommy. I don't know how many more of these years I will have of you wanting and needing me. I just hope, that when you don't need me, that you always remember that I am here if you change your mind.

Love Always,

Mommy

Welcome back...I think?

Well, it took almost a year, but I am finally back to my pre-Jack body (excluding the very faint stretch marks that will never go away). I guess eating "well" was only getting me so far, and I needed to join the gym to bring me over that small plateau and eradicate the last 5+ pounds and untonedness I could not get rid of.

I feel a lot better about myself in general, and I really want to appreciate the way I look this time around. After I had Jack, I never thought I would ever have the body I used to have before and I began hating the fact that I never allowed myself to appreciate how I looked back then. No matter how much I used to complain about my weight or how I looked, I never realized until I lost that physique how much I really depended on it and took comfort in knowing how I looked.

There is a down side to having my body back, though. I have noticed that it brings some of the old eating feelings back to the surface. I am no where close to having the same mentality that I used to have when I had almost hit rock bottom with my disorder, but it is enough to really that it really bothers me. Everything started five years ago, and everday since I have wanted so badly to overcome everything 100%. I tried to convince myself that a part of it would never leave me to help me accept things better, but I can't handle having this ugly thing continously invade my life.

I always thought that once I was away from competitive running, things would calm down. Then I started to realize that this stigma of thin and successful is everywhere. The business world is perceived as a man's game, but women can easily take control. Let's face it, at the end of the day every man is a MAN, and it does not take a scientist to notice that being attractive and thin is an major advantage.

Do not start panicing everytime I go to the bathroom, or assuming I do not want a piece of pizza at 11pm a sign that I must be starving myself...because that couldnt be further from the case. I just want to be strong enough and have enough will power to stay out of falling back into past routines, and more importantly that past mental prison I was in.

Being back at my goal weight is great, but it is also very scary.

My lesson of the day

You can only turn your head to things that happen so many times until you find that you have completed a circle and have nothing left to turn away from.

Hit by a truck

I have been going to the gym a lot lately, and I really thought I was getting into pretty good shape. I decided to do a road race in October with Bill's cousin, so I figured I should probably make sure I can actually run. Well, apparently I can't.

I went to the lake at north park, and after two miles my knees started to hurt. It was a walk/run struggle the last 3 miles, and by the time 8pm rolled around I felt like I was hit by a car. I think my body is broken...the whole entire thing.

I have an itch that needs scratched.

Jack is walking; like a drunken sailor, but walking nonetheless. He is almost a year old, and I am finding that baby amnesia is starting to set in. I am starting to forget the sleepless nights and the three hour crying sessions-between me and him-, and the constant carrying and walking around.

I am so ready for another baby, that I have found myself choosing names. I keep seeing all of the pregnant women around me and I can't help but feel nostalgia of being pregnant myself. Sure it was hard and I felt gross and the road maps on my body will never go away- but there was something special about being pregnant. People looked at you differently and treated you differently- it is that experience in your life that shows you true humanity and the excitement people have about new life; no matter how annoying it is when the sixth person puts their hand on your stomach.

I want to feel that first moment of when the baby is born again and to mesmerize over the little person you helped create. I never thought I would be able to love a child as much as I love Jack, but I think that is what is so amazing about mothers- their capacity and ability to love each of their children with the same intensity.

I am not sure I would get pregnant tomorrow; I finally got my body back, but I wish I didnt have to wait another 2 years to try.

Either the light is getting brighter, or I have been choosing to keep my eyes closed this whole time.

I think things have been getting better, mostly because I am forcing myself to reevaluate my perceptions. I need to stop letting things get to me so easily, because as soon as they do I let them consume me. I spend to much time dwelling on things. Dwelling does not solve anything, and it does not make things go away. Sure, my schedule is hard and I have a lot on my plate, but who doesnt?

I think the biggest help lately is finding out how much company I really do have- knowing that I am not the only one going through the struggles of paying off things and working hard to become successful for my family is so reassuring and so refreshing.

Yes, I buy the value time paper towels at giant eagle, I only put on the air conditioning on when our skin starts to melt, we are completely pumped that we were able to buy a 1999 car so we dont have to have another car payment, and I am the girl standing in aisle 5 complaining how expensive potato chips are. I have learned not to put too much investment on what I have, or what I dont have yet. I am so young, and I am so excited about my future and I need to stop worrying about the small things. We'll get there when we need to, and when we do we will appreciate it.

I had the most wonderful meeting with my boss yesterday. I found out how much potential I have in the company, and how much he truly believes in my abilities. I am so excited for my family and to know that one day- sooner than later- we will be comfortable. I wont have to be so anal about where every single penny goes. I might still buy value time paper towels though...just to keep me grounded.

Month 11

Dear Jack,

Today, you turn eleven months old, which means next month you will be a whole year old, which means life is going way too fast.

They say that babies grow and change the most in the first year, and that has been completely evident. Your father always jokes that people at work must think he has 6 kids, because each picture he has of you is different.

Last week, you and I went on vacation with your grandparents and aunt nicole. I debated whether to go on that trip longer than anyone should ever have to decide whether or not they feel like going to beach. I had convinced myself that we were not going, because the car ride would be entirely too much for you to handle. Two days before leaving, I decided to take the chance and go.

The ride down to Myrtle Beach went pretty smooth. You loved watching Happy Feet on the DVD player, and you napped a lot. You got a little fussy here and there, but compared to what I had anticipated it was a dream.

You loved the sand between your fingers, and you loved the big bath tub full of salt water, except when it splashed you unexpectedly. From day one, it was a constant battle trying to keep the sand out of your eyes and since you refuse to wear hats and sun glasses, it made it impossible and I ended up giving up. I said a couple of our fathers that you would still have your sight by the end of the week, and called it a day. Your diet consisted of gold fish, pringles, french fries, bananas, and grapes- most of which you would spit right back out for absolutely no reason at all. I think you just loved watching the sea gulls come and eat your fallen scrapes, but couldnt figure out why they did not want to play with you. Your first experience of being used. Unfortunately, you must still be expecting sea gulls to come and eat your food, because you still wont stop spitting it out.

I had to use the work "No" a lot during the trip, and I knew you started to understand me when you would scream and hit the air around you like a mad man. You could have slept a little better, but I started to grow to like our 630am walks around the neighborhoods. The ride back, unfortunately is hard regardless of anyones age- but for you it was impossible. To sum it up, by the end of the trip you didn't have a voice and your grandfather had dubbed you "Hell Boy".

Our saving graces on the trip were "The Itsy Bitsy Spider"-because you know how to do the hand movements- and "Peek-a-boo". Your fascination with Peek-a-boo is equal to that of an alcoholic, and you start to do it so much that you begin to forget that the entire concept of the game is to actually hide your face. Last night, our little family went out for ice cream. As we sat on the bench, you began playing peek-a-boo with the cars and waved at each on that past. It was one of those moments that made me realize how wonderful my life is.

The trip to Myrtle beach was hard, harder because your father was not able to go because of work. It was the first time in quite a while that I have gotten to spend that much non-stop time with you, and it made me realize how much of you and your life I miss. I do not get to see your attempts at walking, all of your new faces, all of your new sounds. I hope you will always understand that I work because I want the best life for you, and that my intentions are not selfish. I am sorry that I can not be there for you every second of the day and I am sorry I miss the little things you do, but always know that I will always be there when you call. Just because I work full time does not mean that you are my number one priority.

Love Always,

Mommy

Excuse me doctor,...

About a month ago, I started noticing that my ability to deal with my emotions was diminishing. Out of nowhere, I would suddenly start to feel extremely anxious but not know why. I honestly felt like the only thing that would help me feel better would be to crawl underneath the bed and curl-up into a ball, because I did not know how to deal with what I was feeling.

About 2 weeks ago, every so often I would feel a panging sensation around the left side of my chest (heart area to be exact). In the last two weeks that sensation has become more constant, and now even if I do not feel a pang, I still feel the sensation that is was once there and will be coming back.

Yesterday, as I was driving Jack to daycare and as he screamed in a ridiculously high pitched tone that made me look in my rear view mirror to make sure packs of dogs were not following me, the pain got worse and my left hand felt tingly. I went to the doctor and told him how I felt. I told him that I have a ten month old son, just got married, I work full time, and I am in school. I told him I used to suffer from an eating disorder and that I still secretly obsess about my weight...not to the point I do what I used to do but to the point that I freak out of about the pounds. I told him that lately I want to calm down but that I cant, no matter how much I want to calm down my body will not. I maintain a pretty calm attitude on the outside, but that I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. He ran an EKG and an oxygen test. When everything came back ok, he decided that I had a strain of the stomach virus that my son had just had and that my lungs were probably just inflamed. I thanked him and left, but when I began to drive I began to cry. It IS NOT inflamed lungs...Maybe he forgot that people have TWO lungs and that if that was what I had I would feel it ALL OVER my chest and in the back. I also think he forgot that you HAVE TO HAVE A COLD to get the inflammation in the chest but also forgot I told him that I have not had a cold in a while. He decided it was not stress because he went to medical school and I didnt. Except he also forgot that he is not the one who feels like this-who feels like their heart is going to explode at any minute.

I do not want anti-depressants or anything like that, because I know I am not depressed. I just need something to calm me down during those times when I want to but physically can't. I want to be calm inside and be able to function normally and not be so ridiculously tired all of the time. I just need something to help me help myself.

Unconditional Love

Jack has not been feeling well. Yesterday was extremely exhausting and I was really looking forward to getting some sleep. Around 2am, I heard him cry. I let him go for about 5 minutes to see if he would resettle himself, but when he didnt and his cries became worse, I went into his room. He was standing there, crying...his binky hanging from his mouth like a cigarette. I was about to lay him down and rub his head, but what I saw all over the sheet stopped me. I turned on the light...thank god it was not diarrhrea...but what is was, I still can not tell you. It was orange, crystallized, and all over his legs and the sheet...but not in his diaper. At 2am, I do not care about sheets, so I ripped it off and threw it away. I changed him, wiped him down with wipeys and help him for a little bit until I was sure he was consoled enough to fall back asleep.

The love a mother has for her child is incomparable to any love on this planet. From the day Jack was conceived, until the day I die, our story will twist and turn and I will take whatever he throws at me. It is easy to love your child when they are smiling and happy and cooperative. You give them hugs and smile back and tell them how wonderful they are or how much you love them. No matter how forward and important these gestures are, it is when your child is not 'at their best' when they really find out how much you love them- and when a mother realizes how much they must really love their child. Sure, I pull my hair out when he intentionally holds raviolis over his chair and drops them on the floor, when he spits the food out of his mouth so he can eat something else, or when he shakes his bottle all over the room and sprays milk all over my furniture and carpet. But, when he cries at 2am because he does not feel well and he needs his mommy, my sleep is not important. I did not bat an eye last night when I saw that orange mystery substance all over the place (well, I admit, I looked at it and tried to find a pulse to see if I needed to kill it). I took care of it and him and made sure he was clean and ok before I worried about getting back to myself.

I wonder how long this will last? How long he will want me to comfort him and take care of him.

HELLO?! Is anyone out there, there there ther the th t

I hate that so many topics are taboo, because I think that if more people talked about them openly or it was ok for me to ask about them openly, I might not feel as schizo inside.

Lately, I have been worried about money. So much so, that, I decided after the two month required trial period for my gym membership is up, I am going to cancel because I can not wrap my mind around the $42 a month it will cost me at this point and time in our lives. Gas is going up, grocery bills are going up, utilities keep creeping up, and cash flow keeps staying the same. Bill are not strapped to the last penny, but I do-anally but responsibly- create an excel spreadsheet right before the start of every new month so that I can see where EVERY SINGLE DOLLAR needs to go. We do not have the luxury to NOT do that right now.

I just recently got the projected cost of what completing my education will cost: $27k, give or take. That is two and half years worth of school, so I guess it is not THAT bad and I know it will more than benefit us in the long run because of salary increases that will accompany it....but I honestly had a panic attack when I saw that. We already have enough debt- and knowing that we will be adding THAT much more, is daunting.

I used to be so careless with money, and now I have small mal seizures when I see pairs of shorts that cost more than $15. People can not believe Bill and I still only have one car....and I look at them right back with the same "what planet are you from?" expression. Do they know how much cars cost? We can NOT afford another car payment right now, and so we are trying to find something cheap but respective that we can pay for with cash.

I have not been able to sleep well the last couple of nights. I feel like no matter how much we make, somehow the bills are able to compete and creep up right along with it. I guess, I just want to know that I am not the only one money anxious or nervous when it comes to bills and income flow. That I am not the only one who loses sleep night or feels heart palpitations as she watches the grocery store cashier ring up the same stuff she got two weeks prior, because somehow everything costs $30 more this week. I want to know that I am not the only one that goes around through her day, holding her breath and hoping nothing unexpected comes up because I do not know how it will be paid for. Everyone keeps buying houses and cars, etc etc etc, and I know Bill and I will be there one day sooner than not....but when I hear all about that and not as much as what I am dealing with...it really gets to me more.

Anyone have any extra xanax lying around?

10 months

Dear Jack,

Today, you are 10 months old. It seems with every passing month, I find myself saying, "This is my favorite age!" LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!! I can not get over your extreme amount of cuteness and your ability to make me laugh and feel completely thankful for my life- despite the fact that I may have just slammed my toe in the bathroom door or made a car payment.


This month, your meal menu has grown to include everything but steak, fish, peanut butter, and honey. I get a kick out of feeding you things, because your enthusiastic "MMMM!"s and lit-up expressions are hysterical. If you develop a food problem and find yourself weighing 500lbs one day, I am sorry. I have made feeding you a game, and I am ashamed........who wants another oatmeal cream pie?!

Our lives have been made a lot simpler by the fact that you eat regular food, and when I didn't think it could get any better- we tried regular milk, and you have not had similac since. AND THEN, when I thought things really couldnt get any better....YOU SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!! I never thought the day would come. Seriously, me and my body had adapted to the fact that we would be waking up at least once or twice a night until we could pass you on to your new spouse. And, even though it has already been three weeks, I still went into your room this morning to make sure you were still breathing because it still feels unreal.

The biggest thing this month, was the our wedding. A lot of parents are embarrassed to tell their children that they had them before they were married, but I would rather tell you than have you figure it out on your own via simple math. I am not ashamed, or embarrassed. I will admit, when that test (and the 20 other following) screamed two pink lines, my heart fell into the toilet I was sitting on. I couldn't believe it...I was not ready to be a parent. Your father and I were petrified, but by the end of the day, we were already happily looking at names we liked. You may not have been planned, but that does not make you any less special. I think people who try too hard to have a baby, sometimes make the whole act of trying to create a child into a chore. You were the result of two people who love each other. You were unplanned, but not an accident or a mistake. Accidents correspond to automobiles or falling down the stairs, mistakes are what you do when you add numbers wrong or call your wife by an old girlfriends name-something so beautiful and full of joy, like yourself, could never be labeled as such.


Love,
Mommy

Starving Child Syndrome

I think a big part of how someone rates their own attractiveness is directly related to how people respond to them.

It seems like forever since I have been passionately kissed. (I do not like the word "passionately"; it is just one of the words that sound like toilet fungus would if it could talk.)

I do not think people kiss like that enough. The kind of kiss that makes you dizzy and your stomach turn. The kind that takes your breath away, and that you can feel it so deep within you that you almost wonder if it is possible for someone to suck out your soul.

Why is passion so hard to hold onto? Yeah there are the hello kisses and goodbye kisses and good night kisses- but they start to become routine and start to lose their meaning. They are not enough to sustain us or remind us that someone loves us and finds us irresistible, because no one should have to ask to be shown affection.

Nine Months

Dear Jack,

In a couple of days you will be nine months old. I would say that you have been out in the world as long as you were in my tummy, but that would be a lie because you decided to wait until I took matters into my own hands and evicted you myself. I will never forget when Dr. Rock asked me if I wanted to be induced. I know I heard angels singing and I swear I could smell flowers.

For me, these first nine months have been much more satisfying that the nine months you were inside of me, and I think they have been for you as well. I prefer you more in my arms than squashed all hours of the day in my pelvis.

The last month has been, yet, another blur of happenings. Except for formula, you are completely done with baby food. We are starting to try and teach you how to wave. You say "Dada" and "Mama" but you have no idea what that means and that those labels apply to us. Your balance is getting a lot better and I expect you to let go of the end table one day and just take a walk. By the way, the thought of you walking completely creeps me out. I think it is because you are growing up entirely too fast and my brain is having a hard time processing past the fact that you crawl and know how to yell and fake laugh.

You had your first operation this month, nothing big. You were born with a slight defect- well I would hardly call it a defect because it has not and will not ever affect you and you can not tell anything is different unless you look really hard...which there better not be too many people looking that hard.

I was pretty calm about everything before hand. Just a little procedure, no big deal. The day before, the nurse called to tell me what time to come in and then casually pressed the red button under her desk and sent the nuclear bomb that you would not be able to eat anything from 5am until your surgery at 1130. But, dont worry, he is Dr. Wu's first appointment. Oh, ok, that would make your lack of understanding pertaining to WHY I was not letting you eat all morning go a lot smoother.

Thankfully, you are a little billy goat and you were happy enough chewing on my keys. We got to the hospital and they took us back to a room to be weighed and measured and changed. P.s. CUTEST little hospital gown. They say ignorance is bliss, and so you were completely content sitting on my lap and whipping my keys at my face.

It was when I started talking to the anesthesiologist and doctors and nurses when things started to sink in- you would be put under completely. I realized in that moment that I was absolutely petrified. Of course, everything went well, but the wait to hear that you were awake felt like an eternity. I have to say, I have never seen you so happy to see me in your entire life. We sat in the recovery room and just cuddled in the chair. We were back where we started our relationship- in a hospital room, your hand wrapped around my finger and me obsessing over how absolutely beautiful you are and how absolutely lucky I am to have you in my life.

When we left the hospital and got home, you were completely happy and wonderful the entire night and everyday following. I find myself always underestimating how strong you are and how much you can handle. I suppose that is what mothers do though. I will always want to baby you, even when you are married and have your own wife and kids. I suppose that is just a part of motherhood. Sure, I will let you grow and discover things on your own. I refuse to have you completely dependent on me and I will never handicap you by sheltering you from the world. But, no matter how old you get, my heart will always recognize you as my little baby boy with big innocent blue eyes. My heart is my Never Land, and you are my Peter Pan.

Love,

Mommy

I can feel the flapping of tassle in my face already...

Today, I started class- and I am excited. It is a completely different excitement than which I felt when I started after high school. That was a more, "I am away from home...I do not have a curfew...and I can eat two cheeseburgers AND have three bowls of ice cream if I want!". Choosing a professional path right out of high school is like playing Russian Roulette with one open chamber. Sure, there are people who know what they want to do from the crib, but I think most people who pick a major choose something they think might be good for them or because they could not think of anything else better to spend the rest of their lives doing. I would like to think that when I dropped out of school three and a half years in, I was just acting out what so many students want to do but are too afraid of.

Yeah, it is going to be a challenge to work full time, take care of my family, keep up with everyday errands, and attend school but those obstacles will always be there, and I would be lying if I said they will never get in the way. I believe, however, that my drive and determination and need to succeed and complete my degree is large enough to get through all of that. I have a lot more desire now to learn and finish school than I did when I started at SRU six years ago. I am more mature, more responsible, and have a lot more riding on my success now than I did then- and I think know that will allow everything to fall into place.

I needed a vacation yesterday

I am sitting here....in a complete funk. I just thought about going on vacation and I think the reality of not being able to afford to go until sometime later next year just set in to my emotional nervous system. I just felt the stinging pressure well up behind my eyes. A good night sleep will not fix this. I need a break. All of my days off lately have been for doctor visits and oil changes and other errands.

It would just be nice to get away from here to recharge. I really hope I am running on energizer, because that rabbit keeps going and going and going...

I am going to tan tonight, because nothing says feel good like killing skin cells.

Last night, Bill and I went balls to the wall with cleaning. If you and I are ever in a conversation that turns to the cliche topic of men not helping around the house, know now that I will not be able to contribute. Bill helps with the laundry, cleaning, and Jack. I remember having a conversation a week or so ago with some women at work. I was telling them that I went out dress shopping with my mom and sister. When they asked if Jack went to, and after I told them "no, he stayed home with his daddy" I had to go get some windex and paper towels because their jaws shattered on the floor. The one woman told me that when she would go out grocery shopping and ask her husband if he would watch their kids, he would ask them if she could call her mom because he was busy (watching tv). It was a good thing we already had windex and paper towels on hand, because it was her turn to clean up my jaw.

I can not imagine Bill acting like that, and if he did I would probably leave anyway. I do not think a mutual helpful relationship is a fairytale scenario. If Bill did not contribute, our life would be complete chaos, period. His clothes need cleaned too, he helped make Jack, and he did not eat out of his hands. I am so happy he recognizes that.

I am sitting at my desk right now listening to an older couple talk. I am not intentionally listening, but it is hard to find something else to concentrate on. Their topics so far have consisted of:

1) the scuffiness of the floor
2) the chances the furniture has been recently reupholstered.
3) if her lipstick is crooked
4) if she should take her jacket off now or later
5) hoping that I knew who they were here to see because he was not out yet and it had been more than 3 minutes
6) their fear that it may rain before they are able to get home.

In my head, I was beginning to poke fun at them...oh, silly old people and their silly old people concerns. Then I caught myself and realized that Bill and I fall asleep on the couch by 930 most nights and I ask him 65 times if things look ok and that after we are not met within 5 minutes I also complain.

Little events in life continuously teach me about Bill and I and our relationship. I concern myself over what we could change to create a fight free atmosphere. Maybe if we were more financially set, maybe if we had two cars, maybe if our work loads were lighter, maybe if we were able more time out together, ....maybe if the sky was purple. Age, financial status, free time, and all of those other factors we try and change in hopes of making our lives better and our relationships stronger only create excuses for us to fall back on. People go through rough patches, they have problems, people question, people falter and become boring and predictable and that is ok. No matter how long you have been together or how much you love each other, every so often you hit thin ice and you have to make a choice. You give up and leave, or your get their initials tattooed on your arm to show them that you are still in it if they are. Love is wanting to be with someone forever, just sitting on a park bench holding hands...or in an accountants office asking if you were able to put your lipstick on straight that morning and knowing they will tell you the truth because it isn't their fault they can only see two inches in front of them.

So, Saturday was my shower, and all in all I think it went well.

After the shower, a couple of people went to the bar and had some drinks. We got on the topic of politics...two things you never talk about sober or intoxicated are Religion and Politics. It was 5pm and I had been steadily consuming alcohol since 1pm. My dad and Kelly were talking about the upcoming election and when the subject turned to my dad voting for Obama, I started to get emotional. So emotional that when I voiced my incoherent opinion, I started to involuntarily cry. I have to tell you, the ride home that night and all day Sunday, I was plagued by my reaction and behavior. I was so embarrassed that I had cried. So embarrassed by my incoherent babble. Then it hit me this morning while I was brushing my teeth. What am I so ashamed of? I have a passionate opinion about the future of my country. Ill admit, the article written in the NY Post hit me a lot harder than I thought it did. It had apparently been brewing deep inside me waiting for the most inopportune time to emerge in an over-saturated ramble. For the record, no, I do not think Obama is the antichrist. I am hardly that disconnected from reality and logical thinking. The article was merely thought and emotion provoking and only validated my fears of him. I do not agree with his actions or policies to the point of blatant fear. He is a smooth talker that does not say anything. He is so completely radical, that if he travels any further left he will fall off the face of the planet.

The state of our present economy petrifies me to the point of nausea. I worry about the world my son will grow up in and our enemies overseas- enemies that have absolutely no regard for human life. People who kill women, children, their own, and even themselves without a second thought. There is no one scarier than someone who is not even afraid of their own demise, because they are unstoppable.

I pray every night for a strong and sensible leader. Bush may go down as being one of the worst presidents in history, but I go to bed at night feeling safe. I go to bed at night knowing there is a force out their protecting me and my family from the boogey men in the shadows. I go to bed full of the appreciation that these conflicts are not in my backyard and that I am able to live my day without the constant fear of a car exploding next to me in a parking lot. For all of its flaws, god bless America. God bless our opportunities and comforts. And, god bless the election and the future of this country.

Conundrum

I discovered a parenting crack this morning. I was standing at the sink washing bottles, and Jack crawled into the kitchen. He climbed up my legs and pestered me with whines to pick him up. I told him that I was busy and he would have to wait. Hey, if he wants to eat, then I need to make bottles. The whines turned to cries and the clutching hands turned into clenched fists resulting in involuntary full hand pinches on my legs.

After I was done doing what I needed to do, I picked him up- not because he was still screaming (which he was) but because I was ready to and we had to leave. That is when it hit me- I picked him up because we had to leave but he probably thinks I picked him up because his crying finally got my attention. How does he learn to chill out when he wants something if he thinks that if he cries long enough he will finally get his way...even though he is not really getting his way, I am just ready to do move on to that task.

8 Months

Dear Jack,

Yesterday (ok...a week ago), you turned eight months old. You have grown so much in the past 31 days, I often look at you and ask, "Who are you?"

By far, my favorite moment with you this month was yesterday itself. You hate baths- every time we stick you in the tub it is like we just placed you in flesh eating acid. Because of that, it usually takes the help of your dad so that one of us can hold you and the other can wipe you down and rinse you off so that we can get you in and out as quickly as possible. So, per usual, we got you ready and placed you in the water. As we waited for the tense shrieks, you looked at the running water, at us, and down at the water in the tub and began to laugh hysterically. Then you proceeding to try and dive into the water like a fish.

You decided a couple of weeks ago that pureed green beans are below you and jarred chicken and noodle dinner is too infantile for your sophisticated palette. Unfortunately, your gums are unable to ravage whole cows, so it a darn good thing you are in the process of becoming the proud new owner of THREE slowly developing top teeth. That is right, YOU HAVE A CANINE! Today canine teeth, tomorrow the keys to the car.

Introducing you to new foods is one of my favorite things. This month you tried Birthday Cake Ice cream...I thought "Hallelujah" was going to be your first word, because you were THAT excited about it. You could not get enough of it, and every time you got a bite you completely spazzed- with arms flaying and emphasized m's. If you were that excited about ice cream, just wait till you turn 21.

Aside from food, your crawling has gotten lighting fast, and it is getting harder to keep track of you. I set you down, and like superman- faster that a speeding bullet- you are in the kitchen in Jake's cat food. I should really just buy gates already, but like the cabinet door locks that are sitting on top of the hutch collecting dust- god only knows when it will happen. I am going to break it to you now- I think you should have a seat for this....Your mother is lazy. You also learn with time that I am completely impatient, which makes me one big contradiction. They make songs about people like me.

Speaking of songs- you are starting to develop a taste in music. There will be times you will be in mid-scream while we are in the car and all of the sudden Sarah Barella(spelling is irrelevant) "love song" will come on and you will immediately stop. Then, the song will change and if it is something you do not care to hear then you resume screaming. I used to think I was a bad mom because I do not play nursery rhyme cd's in the car and rarely ever at home. Yeah, sometimes I sing "The wheels on the bus" to you and other kiddy "treasures", but that is about it. I figure it this way- when you are 5 and all of the other boys are running around to ring-around-the rosie, you will be in the corner belting out "slow dance" by John Legend with a crowd of girls swarming you. You're Welcome.

Love,

Mom

Teething Hell

I started to write Jack's 8 month letter last week, but have not finished it yet (obviously) because frankly I am just too damn tired.

If I was with someone who had just had a near death experience and they came back telling me that they had just had the strangest dream about swimming in a pool of orajel surrounded by babies chewing on teething rings, I will know instantly that they must not be a very good person because they just came back from the fifth level of hell.

The last three nights have been excruciating. I am so tired, I physically hurt. The teething experience has never been this bad. Jack is cutting three teeth, the two top front and one canine. He does not want to eat and most horribly does not want to sleep. I called the doctor this morning to see if there was anything I could do. She asked if I had tried a cold compress, tylenol, or orajel. I will tell you like I told her, aside from bashing my head in with a sledge hammer, I have tried E V E R Y T H I N G. I have even cannonballed into the realm of old home remedies. Nothing is working. Not cold teething rings or cloths, not orajel, not Tylenol, not mortrin, not teething tablets, not whiskey, not even vanilla extract. Yes we let him cry and yes we even tried co-sleeping last night, but turns out he doesn't like it either.

My nerves are frayed. I am a zombie. I am getting my tubes tied at noon.

So, tax season finally ended last week and I will admit that as far as communication goes, I fell off the face of the planet. It is as if I have been in some self induced rehab the last week or so, laying low and doing as little functioning as possible. We had wednesday off, which, if you are a mother know that days off translates to "shit, how many errands do i have time for?" so it really wasnt a day off at all. Thursday was a half day of work and then post season lunch which included two and half glasses of wine. And, if you are a parent, two and a half glasses of wine equates to "anyone want to go streaking? bring your green hat!" Friday, I came to work for a couple hours and then decided what a horrible decision maker I was and left by 2. A good decision maker would have turned the car around in the morning and never entered at all. Saturday involved my first attempt at running in almost two years- a 5 mile loop was probably an amazing choice- again, another example proving how horrible I am at making decisions. Then, Sunday, I forced myself back into life again and finally started to make up for the cleaning I have been telling Bill I was going to do for the last 5 or so months.

I have to say, although working all of those hours was borderline hell, when it was time to leave on Tuesday, I was hard pressed to go. I kept finding reasons to stay a little longer. All of the sudden I felt anxious and almost sad- very fidgety. It is like the last day of school- you work so hard all year, especially those last couple of weeks for finals and then BAM it is done and you are left wondering what the hell you are supposed to do with yourself now.

it doesnt make sense, and it is not supposed to.

without divulging into client details, I am about two baseball bats away from losing my marbles.

side effects

Yesterday, the daycare called me at work around 5pm. Jack forgot that he did not know how to walk yet, took a step and hit his upper lip on a table. They said he was bleeding a lot and they could not tell how deep it was but they had given him a Popsicle and it seemed to aid in stopping the gushing. All I could do was ask questions and say, "Bill has the car but he will be there by 530". I could not drop everything and go and get him. I could not even leave with them after Bill stopped by work with Jack so I could see the damage. It is almost the end of tax season, and there is so much to do- I was here until 945 last night, and by the time Bill and Jack picked me up it was way past his bed time and he was asleep in his car seat.

This morning when we got to daycare, Jack smiled and enthusiastically reached out to Carlene, one of the girls that takes care of him. He did not need me, he did not want me, he didn't even care that I left. I think my heart just stopped beating.

It is 9pm and I am still at work.

I have been here since 830am.

My appearance and mind are deteriorating (i cant believe i spelled that right on the first try) with every passing minute.

Today was not the day to wear a skirt and peep toe high heels.

Yesterday, Bill and I played hooky and went to the Home Opener. I originally wasn't going to go, because of tax season and I felt guilty about leaving- BUT then I realized that eating pounds of chocolate makes me feel guilty too but that doesn't stop me from eating it- SO I went.

I am so glad I went, it was a BEAUTIFUL day. One of those days that makes you completely forget that you were just living through 4+ months of cold, miserable weather. The same kind of amnesia that helps mothers forget about all of the pain and exhaustion they just went through and helps keep the world populated. It felt so good to get out and be in the sun and relax. It brought back those feelings of skip days in high school and how fun the adrenaline makes what your doing when you know you should be doing something else. Not to mention, we had a set babysitter with daycare, so it worked out even better.

On a downside, definitely lost $120 CASH. I cried when I realized it. It does not break us, but $120 is $120 which means I have to take stuff from other places and move the budget around a little. Bill made me feel better by telling me that perhaps it was God's plan. I just hope that the money was found by someone that really needed it. Knowing that I possibly helped relieve a mother of her grocery money fears for the next two weeks makes me feel better.

cloud 17

I have been rushing around like a mad woman at work this morning trying to get everything I can done because I am leaving at 11:30. It has been an extra demanding morning and everyone has been wanting more than usual. I went to drop the monthly billings in my bosses office and he told me how impressed he was with how many returns I was able to send through this tax season. He said he could not believe how many I was able to complete and check with everything else I had to do-I thanked him for noticing. I am so happy right now. The work does not seem so stressful when you get those occasional motivation refills from being recognized for all of your hard work.

This morning, before I left for work, I got out Jack's food for Bill and left it on the counter. As I was driving to work, I thought about what I did: got Jacks diaper bag ready, put out the foods for him to eat for the day, etc- and I realized how ridiculous that really was. When Bill asked me what I was doing, I told him I was just getting stuff ready so it was one less thing he had to do. What that really the reason though? Do I really think Bill was that incapable of feeding and clothing Jack? As if there was any imminent fear of him smashing up a light-bulb and sprinkling it on some pureed brown sugar candle and feeding it to Jack for lunch? Why do mothers have such a anal disposition when it comes to their children's schedule. As if it is going to matter is he eats carrots instead of squash for lunch, if he wears the red shirt instead of the button down? I wish I was as anal about other things as much as I am about stupid stuff.

Don't move or I'll cut it off!

About a week or two ago, my elbow was hurting me pretty badly. It was brief here and there, and Bill told me it must be a pinched nerve. As of yesterday, the "here and there" slight pain has turned into non-stop intense pain. It hurts to press my hand down, it hurts when i pull up, hurts to reach behind me, hurts to carry things, and I can not bend it more than 2 degrees, it hurts to type, my hand and shoulder hurt by association....basically my entire left arm is useless. holy crap. Am I that old already? I am already falling apart and complaining about ailments.

UPDATE: my mom said it could be tennis elbow. chicken crap.

"Dorothy, Dorothy, Dorothy come and dance with me. Dorothy the Dinosaur" is replaying in my head...over and over and over. Just those two lines...over and over and over. Thank you wiggles for allowing us to get ready in the morning- shame on you for your annoying and addictive songs.

We were already running late this morning. Honestly, it doesn't seem to matter what time we get up- we are always running 10 minutes late. No, it doesn't matter if we wake up 10 or even 30 minutes earlier, I have already tried it- it does not work. It is like we live in the twilight zone or some dimension run by some evil little gnome who gets his jollies off of our tardiness, because no matter how motivated I am to get us out the door and to work on time SOMETHING always happens and we fall back.

The evil gnome was particularly playful this morning. We got in the car-already running late- and I was getting the air out of Jack's Drop-in bottle and BAM-explosion...all over me. Seriously?

On a better note, we got a new TV stand yesterday. We are slowly growing up and acquiring grown-up like things, and our TV is no longer on the $5 stand I got from goodwill my sophmore year of college or a bench/chest- which is meant for sitting and not tvs. What makes this TV stand even better is that we didn't have to buy it-Bill's boss just bought it and does not like it so she asked if we wanted it...ummmmm....is my name Jenna and do I like vanilla tootsie rolls more than I like freedom? YES! People who turn down nice, FREE things are idiots. Of course we offered her money, and even if she would've taken it we would have completely made out. I will buy her a bottle of wine or something though to thank her. FREE THINGS:) Now all we need is some new free couches and a new close to free car.

This is why I'm hot.

Yesterday when we got home from work, I noticed a funky smell in the kitchen. The garbage can lid had fallen off. Instead of changing the bag, I febreezed it. This is why I am awesome.

Love is patient, Love is kind.

We had our "last" class on Thursday. The deacon asked the class, "what is love?" I felt brave and delusional from hunger, so I raised my hand first. I can not remember exactly what I said, but I know it went something like this:

"Love is completely unconditional. It is a hundred percent me, and a hundred percent him(thanks laura) and if one of us gives any less than that, our relationship will tumble over. We have been through a lot already in the time we have been together, things that would break even the strongest of people down and apart. We have a son (MAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE HEADS SNAP AROUND, I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO HAVE TO START DODGING ROLLING NOGGIN'S), and that too has tested us. Despite what the beliefs of the church are, I believe that god sent our son to us as a blessing and I know he is our guardian angel, and I cannot be convinced otherwise. He has truly been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to us. He made us grow up and re-evaluate our lives and what was really important. The things that could have broke us, made us stronger. If I fall, I know he will be there to catch me. The bad times have made the good times so much more amazing."

Then he asked me how long we have been married.

I have has this recurring dream, the details and situations vary but the plot line is always the same. In the dreams, I am always put in a position that asks me whether or not I want to stay with Bill or leave him. In the dreams, when I think about my future without him- all I see and feel is emptiness. I always choose him. It isn't that I am that dependent on him that I cannot breathe without him, but he fulfills me and my life and I know I would be less of "me" without him. The comfort I feel with him is not because I take his presence for granted, but that his puzzle pieces fit mine. We haven't had to force them to go in or cut and tape pieces to make them fit, like we do so often with so many people we are with. We argue and we become impatient with one another- I think there are fewer mornings before work that we do than don't, and no- it isn't always rainbows and butterflies and sometimes the only intimacy we can stay awake for is a good night kiss, but isn't that life? Isn't life not just accepting things because they are what they are and you have no choice, but rather owning and cherishing every facet because it is all yours and you own them and they define you? It has taken me so long to understand what is important, what the difference between want and need is, and what really fulfills me at days end. you can't just walk away when the water gets cold. You can't just say or assume it is over because something happens, and throw your hands up in the air and say, "oh well, we tried, good luck!" You have to stick it out and keep treading no matter how tired you get and no matter how hard you are shivering. And, when you finally find a piece of ply wood to climb onto and the sun finally comes out- that warmth burns every bad feeling out of your soul. That warmth is worth every teeth chattering experience.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." - 1 John 4:7-8 (NIV) I guess that is why love is so hard to capture in a definition.

never give up on the good time, living it up is a state of mind.

I was driving home from an unexpected 9 hour workday on Saturday, and I blasted the radio to detox. I was listening to a mix CD that did not have a label, and all of the sudden one of the tracks changed to a 9 song set of Spice Girls. I was so completely pumped. As I was belting out the lyrics to "Stop right now" I started to remember that my friends and I used to listen to these cds and try and decipher who was singing what part. Then I also remembered that in my parents house somewhere were two spice girl Barbie dolls that belonged to me. I bought them when I was in middle school. How completely embarrassed I am of myself.

If I put this on my desk, I would get in trouble...

....soooo, here will have to do:

* Fair Warning to all of those who approach my desk asking if I have time to do something else; I will either:

A) Start to cry

B) Leap up at you and bite your head off

The choice is yours. You have been warned.

Ok, so this month- well next month (april), I plan on learning how to spend less money. We have a lot of things to pay off, and I really want to stop throwing so much money away and paying off our debts quicker. Laura, bill's cousin, lent me some books about how to figure out a better budget- which I am going to read as soon as tax season is over and I have time.

Our biggest problem is groceries...we spend WAY too much in groceries. I know I need to use more coupons, I just "forget" to by the paper, and then when I actually do cut coupons, I forget to use them.

My question is, what is a modest amount of money to budget for food for one month? I feel completely stupid asking this, but I really want to know what people spend on groceries a month so I know where I need to be. Also, does anyone else know any other really good places for coupons?

Not too much else going on. Bill is sick, and I am shooting Vitamin C through my veins to try and keep from getting sick myself. Tonight we have our "last" pre-marriage class- I use last in quotations because we have to make up week two in may. Last week, was an interesting class. They talked about the church's views on using birth control. I of course, laughed in my head and slightly out loud. I know at one point I looked at bill and said, "and are they going to be paying for my formula and daycare bills?" Then, I became slightly enlightened. They talked about natural family planning. If have never heard of it, basically it involves the woman learning exactly when she is ovulating and she and her husband staying abstinent for that day- and for the day or two surrounding it. Apparently, it really is an exact science, and it is extremely successful. I talked to Bill, and I think we are seriously considering it. Not only would we save money because we wouldn't be buying BC pills, or other forms of protection -which can get expensive, but we could actually plan when we want our children to be born. That is very attractive. Not to mention, Jack is proof that those things are not fail proof either. They talk a lot about how much the church holds such an importance on married couples having sex....A LOT...almost to the point where I look around and make sure I am still in the Diocese and this is still my pre-marriage class for the catholic church.

this is what happens when you do not get enough sleep and you take penicillin that your boss gives you that he bought for 12 cents a pop in mexico:

I am trying to pay off some debt and put my child through college....

....so please click on the ads on my blog page. You do not have do anything but click, that is all. just click every time you read a post. Then you can x it out and go on your merry way. pretty please, with cherries?

URGH, I really need a new camera.

Last night Jack was trying to pick himself up on the ottoman. He had his arms up and couldn't get a good grip, so he decided to latch on with his mouth, all the while making this weird war cry. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Then I proceeded to put some pots on his head and it made him look like a German soldier spawn. I decided his job is to entertain me, and that I really wish I could be documenting this!!!!!!!!!

We are as equal as 4 and 7.

I admit that I am not one to follow the world of politics; I suppose it has a lot to do with the home I was brought up in, which was one that did not talk much about it to spark any interest. I only watch the news sometimes; mostly in the form of 20/20 or 60 minutes, which I suppose really isnt "news" but more of the world bedazzled with some flare to make it seem more interesting to entertainment and mindless t.v. addicted people, like myself. Regardless of my commitment to following in current events, I pay attention enough to have an idea of what is going on and to form an opinion on something other than who has better hair or what party they represent. In saying that, I want to get on a soap box for a moment about the presidential candidates.

Barack Obama- I have to say I was somewhat fond of him, and he was someone I thought would make a very strong leader. Then his pastor started to come into the news, and I felt my opinion change. After his pastor said what he did, Obama's response was something to the affect of, "I can not condemn my pastor anymore than I can condemn my white grandmother for being afraid of black men". Here is why I have a problem with this statement: When Don Imus made the comments he did, Obama was one of the first people to speak out against him and try to get him fired. Why the double ended sword? Why is one comment horrible and the other one tolerable? I do not care if he does not agree with his pastor's comments, it is the fact that he tolerates them. It is the fact that he exposes his daughters to that kind of hate every Sunday. I am sorry for what black people went through, I truly am- no human being deserves that kind of treatment, ever- but how are we EVER going to find a common ground and a world of equality if no one really wants it? Everyone wants revenge, and they remain bitter and if we continue to tolerate these kind of comments and outlooks, how is anything every going to get better? I can not support a candidate that tolerates this kind of behavior from anyone; black or white. I can not support someone who is "ok" with exposing their children to that kind of opinion- who has blatantly showed them that it is ok for one person to say something demeaning but not another. I am not saying that we should not see color and I am not saying that we should just forget about slavery and what happened, but if we never let someone of it go than we will never be able to have the equalty that Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and other great men and women worked so hard to make progress for.

Parties really do not hold any significance with me- it is the type of person the candidate is that interests me. I do not like Hillary Clinton. I am not ashamed to say that a woman is not ready to run a country as large as the US. In a world full of countries that believe in male dominance, I want a man running the country; Someone they might actually listen and talk to. I also believe that women are TOO emotional to make decisions separated from personal feelings. There are reasons why so many jokes are made about when a woman is going through that time of the month, and I know I would be more prone to hit that nuclear missile button- lets not put someone in the office who is going to be less sturdy than a drunk is after 24 beers every 28 days.

So, I suppose that leaves me with McCain, who will most likely get my vote by default. This is the second election since I have been able to vote, and this is the second election I am finding myself voting- not for someone I necessarily support heart and soul, but that seems the lesser of three so-so candidates.

I wish the easter bunny would have brought me a basket full of sleep.

I wonder how extreme sleep deprivation has to get before you slip into a coma and just fall over and die.

We visited Bill's family for easter, and Jack slept HORRIBLE. I think it had was a mixture of the teeth, his cold, the temperature of the room, and not being in his own bed. He woke up at 330am on Friday night and "slept" restlessly until 730am, and Saturday night woke up at the same time. I did not want to let him cry it out because other people were sleeping, so I gave up and fell asleep with him on the chair in the room just so I too could get some kind of sleep. Am I ever going to get a normal night of sleep again? I know I sound like a broken record when it comes to this whole sleep issue, but when you are at the point I am, it is truly all you can think about. I can not think, literally, it is really hard to think right now. Holy crap.

seven months part 2

Dear Jack,

I decided that I needed to write two letters this month, because the other entry was a lot of catching-up and not as much dedicated solely to month seven.

You grew entirely too much these past 2 weeks. Either the daycare is putting miracle grow in your peas or your are morphing into Robin William's character, conveniently named "Jack", who grows four times too fast and has the body of a 40 year old at the age of 10.


About a week after you starting crawling, you started to pull yourself up with the help of furniture. We had put you to bed one night, and your father went to resettle you. He called me over, and there you were standing at the foot of your crib, crying, bink hanging from your mouth like a cigarette. I was about to ask you if you wanted some coffee or perhaps a beer, I mean, you are THAT old now. We half expected to wake up the next morning to see blankets tied together and hanging from your crib and a note attached to an open window that read, "Thanks mom and dad for helping me out, you have brought me as far as you could. I'll never forget you or anything you did for me. peace and love. -J" To our relief, you were there in the morning to scream us awake-phew.







You started to really cuddle this month. You always wanted held before, but that was because you were using us for mobility. I picked you up at daycare one day last week. You were playing in Sandy's lap, your back turned to the door and by chance you turned around to see what or who was there. When you saw me you instantly smiled, laughed, wiggled from her grip, and crawled to me -laughing the whole time. I used to tease people and tell them you did not know I was your mother- except it was not really a joke, because I believed it. I figured, since I only get to see you a couple of hours every night and in the morning and on weekends you would not identify me as a priority in your life as quickly as babies who have stay at home moms do. Before now, you cried for us because you needed something- fed, you were bored, changed, sleep, etc. Now, you cry because you want us- you just want to be with us. Being wanted is an addicting drug.

Today was your first time with the front facing car seat. You do not exceed the weight limit yet for the rear facing seat, but since you are 7' 5'', your legs were starting to cramp against the seat. Your new seat is pretty hard core, and you are definitely feeling liberated. You can see us now and I think that comforts you.

You said good bye to month seven being sick. You have been sick a lot in your short life, but every time you have been sick before your disposition has been pleasant. I have never seen you so miserable in my entire life. I think labor was less painful than this week has been, for both of us. A constant fever coupled with teething was a lethal combination. You couldn't eat, sleep, play, get comfortable, or just cope. I know how horrible it is being sick, and knowing this was the first time you have ever felt this sick was heart breaking. Thank goodness you are getting better now- smiling more and laughing and playing and eating and sleeping...well not so much sleeping, but you are doing a lot better.

There were a lot of moments while you were sick when all you wanted was to be rocked and sung to. You just stared at me with those beautiful blue eyes, with your hand on my face. I realized that the majority of my time, outside of work, is spent just staring at you. I used to think it was just because I could not believe I helped create such a beautiful and amazing child, and then I came to the conclusion it was more than that. I stare at you for such a constant period of time that I do not see you grow, and when I finally look away - for just a moment- I look back and find you have grown another inch or two, your hair has gotten longer, your features have matured ever so slightly and I know that if I do not keep my eyes locked on you that you will grow a little more every time until one day you will be too big to hold in my lap and sing to.

When you were born, I could not believe how much I was able to love someone- especially someone I had just met, and every time I think there is no way there is more love than this, you grab my face and try to eat it and I laugh and feel my heart grow just a little more. I do not know how much room I have left in my chest, but I suppose that is what they mean by the cheesy cliche "my heart is bursting with love" because one day my heart will inevitably buckle with all the love and joy you have given to me.

The poor little man is still sick- and pretty sick at that. His poor little face is flushed and his nose is like kind of red it would get if he had just been playing in the snow for 3 hours. He slept a little better last night, but then again he also went to bed at 1130. I empathize with how he must feel, and I can only imagine what it is like for him-this being the first time he has ever felt this miserable. I just wish the daycare would follow their own rules, and then maybe he would not be so sick. ANGER.

Last night, Bill and I had one of our pre-marriage counseling classes. I was not going to go, because I did not want to leave Jack since he was so sick, but in the end I am glad we did because I needed to get out for a little bit. Last night, one of the guest speakers made a statement that made me want to raise my hand up and shout "hallelujah!". He said, "Children are a libido torpedo". Amen brother, Amen.

At no fault to him, this has probably been the hardest and most exhausting day of Jack's life-for both of us. Not only has neither of us slept well the last couple of days, but thanks to the daycare he is sick again-probably the most miserable he has ever been in his short life. I am so angry at them, so tired, so sad and worried for Jack, so stressed about all of the work piling on my desk, did I say so tired?

When Jack has been sick in the past, his disposition has always been on the pleasant side. Right now, nothing makes him happy and nothing makes him feel better. His face is covered in misery. He is exhausted, but can not get comfortable enough to sleep. He is hungry, but is too stuffed and sick to eat- and when he does eat some of it ends up coming back up. He does not want to sit or stand or crawl or lay or anything. We have been up since 5am, but crying since 1215am. Someone please change my battery.

I am starting to think that sleeping through the night will be something I never do again. I think Jack is getting more teeth, because he was up ALL night. I took the first shift of getting up and rearranging him every 10 mins, and Bill took the second. I can not function. Apparently, there is something going around the daycare again, and I am not pleased. He just got over bronchitis two and a half weeks ago, and is already behind on his six month shots because he had a fever. It is a such a rock and a hard place predicament when you have to work and have a sick baby.

I am a little nervous about this weekend and getting sleep, because we will be spending easter with Bill's family. Jack has been crying a lot during the night, so I have a feeling if he is still like that this weekend I will be up a lot with him so that he does not disrupt the rest of the house.

I just want sleep so badly. The last time I slept NON-STOP through the night was last year sometime when my mom watched him overnight. I am up every night, at least once. I am starting to lose my mind.

Bill was feeding Jack lunch. He turned to go get a wipey in preparation of post-food cleaning. Jack picked up the jar of food, which was still half full, and proceeded to dump it on his face.

This was the result:














By the looks of Jack's face he is quite surprised at how things progressed. His expression screams, "Dad, why would you let me do something like that? I do not know any better. This was NOT a good idea."

This is what happens when mommy has to work on Saturday. I miss them.