Month 19

Dear Jack,

Here we are- month 19- let's hope we all survive to see month 20. Who every coined the term "terrible twos" needed to include a footnote that said "and if by a year and a half you already find yourself wanting to play in traffic and cradling a bottle of kahlua as your cry yourself to sleep every night, substitute the word 'twos' with 'terribles'". It is like I have two children already. There is Jack, my fun loving goofball baby who loves to cuddle with his mommy and daddy and run and play and smile and pet bunnies and eat his dinner without a fight and go to bed without ripping off an arm. And, then there is Jack's twin brother Bert who's response to EVERYTHING is "No", who hits people in the face without any particular reason, who kicks the floor and screams and throws things when he does not get his way and refuses to go to sleep or eat his dinner and likes to torment bunnies for fun. Ok, maybe he doesn't like to torment bunnies, but he doesn't like to pet them. We try spanking sometimes, but usually that just results in you LAUGHING at us like this is all some big game we are playing. I personally prefer a rousing game of softball- but that's just me. So instead of spanking all of the time, we are trying "time-out". Time-out is the highchair that you do not use anymore because it is the only thing that will confine you in one place for two minutes. I am not sure if it is working, but, by golly we sure are making the effort.

I can not speak for him, but I am sure your father's brain and pysche are just as fried as mine. Just the other day, while I trying to get you to stop emptying my underwear drawer for the eighth time in a row, I became so frustrated that I yelled something I never thought I would ever YELL as a mother. "DO YOU WANT JELLY BEANS OR NOT?!?!?!?!" Your father laughed and asked, "Did you just yell at him, 'do you want jelly beans'". I did...I did. And, since I cannot have alcohol right now, I usually try and numb my twitching body with some watermelon sour patch kids or fruity tootsie rolls after you do to bed. My new gym membership will be coming out of your allowance.

I suppose it isnt all just fighting to get you to take your coat off when we get home every evening. There are just as many laughs and applauses. And, I realized this month just how much you really do love me and want me around. I had to go on an audit and was gone off and on for four days. Ever since I came back you have been my little shadow. Any time I leave or you even think I am leaving, you cry hysterically and crunch your hands for me to bring you with me. In fact, now when I drop you off at daycare I have to trick your attention away from me so I can leave, but I find out that you still cry hysterically for an hour after you realize I am gone. It is heartbreaking and yet in some sick twisted way- comforting. You have been in daycare since you were six weeks old, and one of my fears was that you would always want them more than me. There have been days when you have not wanted to leave there and have kicked and screamed all the way to the car and I told myself that you were just having too much fun- as I choked back tears. But, now, knowing that our time together is THAT important to you and that you do need me and want me and really miss me makes me realize that I must have done something right.That there is a bond between you and I stronger than even I could have ever imagined or ever hoped for.

Love,

Mommy

Establishing A Foundation

Today, after work, we are starting the physical search for a house to call ours- our own home. Our lease is up in June, and with a new baby on the way we DEFINITELY need more room. We are tripping over ourselves as it is and so I can not imagine adding another human being into the mix. We had originally planned on renting, because the thought of owning did not seem at all feasible. The thought never even crossed our minds as being an option. When we began having trouble finding rentals on our own, we enlisted a real estate agent. After meeting with a finance man- that is his official title of course- and seeing everything on paper, purschasing a house did not seem scary at all but actually extremely possible and realistic. The monthly payments for a mortgage, real estate taxes, and home owners insurance would be less that what we were expecting to pay for rent. Why throw all of that money down the toilet when you could at least be building equity. Plus, with the new home buyer credit of $8K given to you by the government, it made the decision even easier. We can take what we had put aside and use it as a down payment and then replenish it after we get the credit back.

When we left the realtors office that first night after discovering the possibilities and the realities, I cried. I do not believe everyone is entitled to own their own home, I believe it is a priveledge. I feel so blessed and so completely grateful that we are able to do something that I thought we would not be able to do for at least another 5 years. Knowing that Jack will have a home that is ours to grow up in and that when we bring our new baby home from the hospital, we will be bringing him or her somewhere we have established for their future means so much to me. The whole thought of it still feels like a dream, but I feel good about that. I am happy that I am humbled by this, because it means that I truly treasure and appreciate everything that we have.

Month 18

Dear Jack,

Nine days ago (just to provide an example of the friedness of your mother's brain- I had to use a calculator to help me figure that number out and I still do not feel confident that it is correct) you turned 18 months old. Just yesterday as I was getting ready for work, you joined me in the bathroom and proceeded to retrieve yourself a q-tip from underneath the sink. If you hadnt started to use is to clean your cheek, I would have believed you were much older than half way into your second year of life. FYI- when you start using them to clean your ears, people generally do not appreciate when you put them back into the q-tip box. And, you do not have to save them, that is why they put 400 in a box.

In other news, you are becoming quite defiant and bully-like. If it werent for the fact that another little one were on the way, I would probably still think yesterday when you waltzed into daycare, stole a toy from a little girl, and then punched her in the face when she wanted it back was kind of ridiculously funny- BUT not funny at all, not at all. I just hope we do not have to put your little brother and sister in their own enclosment so they can save their first black eye for a bar fight when they are 27. I guess this is normal behavior, especially since you have to present yourself as tough against the older kids at daycare. Your father and I are just having a hard time trying to decide how to discipline you. Do you smack back -CHILD SERVICES-, do a time out, sit down and ask you to talk about your feelings? When do we know when it time to use a certain method? For example, when can we start making you sit at the table until you at least attempt to eat what I made for dinner- and NO you cannot have goldfish and pretzels again, eat it or fall asleep not eating it. I know you understand A LOT, you prove that time and time again by your actions and words, but how much does that understanding take you when it comes to right and wrong and all of that other Jazz? It's as if I feel like if I do make you stop throwing your food on the floor when you do not want it then that means one day you will sell crack to kids on the street and live under a bridge in boulder, colorado while you eat thrown away chinese food out of a dumpster. I just do not want to do too much or not enough. I feel like when I finally figure out how to handle the stage you are in, you have already moved to the next. I am an anxious person naturally, and so my approach to motherhood is- of course- no different. I am impatient with myself, and I feel like because some things do not come as naturally as I had always imagined they should then that makes me below par as a mom. I want so badly for you to grow-up and when asked about your mother your first response not to be "oh her" and then you roll your eyes and begin to go off in a tangent in your mind about all of the ways I failed you. Just rememeber though, if you ever do, don't forget to remember all of the sponge bob I let you watch and radio stations I flipped through in the car until you bobbed your head in excitement.

Love,
Mommy