Either the light is getting brighter, or I have been choosing to keep my eyes closed this whole time.

I think things have been getting better, mostly because I am forcing myself to reevaluate my perceptions. I need to stop letting things get to me so easily, because as soon as they do I let them consume me. I spend to much time dwelling on things. Dwelling does not solve anything, and it does not make things go away. Sure, my schedule is hard and I have a lot on my plate, but who doesnt?

I think the biggest help lately is finding out how much company I really do have- knowing that I am not the only one going through the struggles of paying off things and working hard to become successful for my family is so reassuring and so refreshing.

Yes, I buy the value time paper towels at giant eagle, I only put on the air conditioning on when our skin starts to melt, we are completely pumped that we were able to buy a 1999 car so we dont have to have another car payment, and I am the girl standing in aisle 5 complaining how expensive potato chips are. I have learned not to put too much investment on what I have, or what I dont have yet. I am so young, and I am so excited about my future and I need to stop worrying about the small things. We'll get there when we need to, and when we do we will appreciate it.

I had the most wonderful meeting with my boss yesterday. I found out how much potential I have in the company, and how much he truly believes in my abilities. I am so excited for my family and to know that one day- sooner than later- we will be comfortable. I wont have to be so anal about where every single penny goes. I might still buy value time paper towels though...just to keep me grounded.

Month 11

Dear Jack,

Today, you turn eleven months old, which means next month you will be a whole year old, which means life is going way too fast.

They say that babies grow and change the most in the first year, and that has been completely evident. Your father always jokes that people at work must think he has 6 kids, because each picture he has of you is different.

Last week, you and I went on vacation with your grandparents and aunt nicole. I debated whether to go on that trip longer than anyone should ever have to decide whether or not they feel like going to beach. I had convinced myself that we were not going, because the car ride would be entirely too much for you to handle. Two days before leaving, I decided to take the chance and go.

The ride down to Myrtle Beach went pretty smooth. You loved watching Happy Feet on the DVD player, and you napped a lot. You got a little fussy here and there, but compared to what I had anticipated it was a dream.

You loved the sand between your fingers, and you loved the big bath tub full of salt water, except when it splashed you unexpectedly. From day one, it was a constant battle trying to keep the sand out of your eyes and since you refuse to wear hats and sun glasses, it made it impossible and I ended up giving up. I said a couple of our fathers that you would still have your sight by the end of the week, and called it a day. Your diet consisted of gold fish, pringles, french fries, bananas, and grapes- most of which you would spit right back out for absolutely no reason at all. I think you just loved watching the sea gulls come and eat your fallen scrapes, but couldnt figure out why they did not want to play with you. Your first experience of being used. Unfortunately, you must still be expecting sea gulls to come and eat your food, because you still wont stop spitting it out.

I had to use the work "No" a lot during the trip, and I knew you started to understand me when you would scream and hit the air around you like a mad man. You could have slept a little better, but I started to grow to like our 630am walks around the neighborhoods. The ride back, unfortunately is hard regardless of anyones age- but for you it was impossible. To sum it up, by the end of the trip you didn't have a voice and your grandfather had dubbed you "Hell Boy".

Our saving graces on the trip were "The Itsy Bitsy Spider"-because you know how to do the hand movements- and "Peek-a-boo". Your fascination with Peek-a-boo is equal to that of an alcoholic, and you start to do it so much that you begin to forget that the entire concept of the game is to actually hide your face. Last night, our little family went out for ice cream. As we sat on the bench, you began playing peek-a-boo with the cars and waved at each on that past. It was one of those moments that made me realize how wonderful my life is.

The trip to Myrtle beach was hard, harder because your father was not able to go because of work. It was the first time in quite a while that I have gotten to spend that much non-stop time with you, and it made me realize how much of you and your life I miss. I do not get to see your attempts at walking, all of your new faces, all of your new sounds. I hope you will always understand that I work because I want the best life for you, and that my intentions are not selfish. I am sorry that I can not be there for you every second of the day and I am sorry I miss the little things you do, but always know that I will always be there when you call. Just because I work full time does not mean that you are my number one priority.

Love Always,

Mommy

Excuse me doctor,...

About a month ago, I started noticing that my ability to deal with my emotions was diminishing. Out of nowhere, I would suddenly start to feel extremely anxious but not know why. I honestly felt like the only thing that would help me feel better would be to crawl underneath the bed and curl-up into a ball, because I did not know how to deal with what I was feeling.

About 2 weeks ago, every so often I would feel a panging sensation around the left side of my chest (heart area to be exact). In the last two weeks that sensation has become more constant, and now even if I do not feel a pang, I still feel the sensation that is was once there and will be coming back.

Yesterday, as I was driving Jack to daycare and as he screamed in a ridiculously high pitched tone that made me look in my rear view mirror to make sure packs of dogs were not following me, the pain got worse and my left hand felt tingly. I went to the doctor and told him how I felt. I told him that I have a ten month old son, just got married, I work full time, and I am in school. I told him I used to suffer from an eating disorder and that I still secretly obsess about my weight...not to the point I do what I used to do but to the point that I freak out of about the pounds. I told him that lately I want to calm down but that I cant, no matter how much I want to calm down my body will not. I maintain a pretty calm attitude on the outside, but that I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. He ran an EKG and an oxygen test. When everything came back ok, he decided that I had a strain of the stomach virus that my son had just had and that my lungs were probably just inflamed. I thanked him and left, but when I began to drive I began to cry. It IS NOT inflamed lungs...Maybe he forgot that people have TWO lungs and that if that was what I had I would feel it ALL OVER my chest and in the back. I also think he forgot that you HAVE TO HAVE A COLD to get the inflammation in the chest but also forgot I told him that I have not had a cold in a while. He decided it was not stress because he went to medical school and I didnt. Except he also forgot that he is not the one who feels like this-who feels like their heart is going to explode at any minute.

I do not want anti-depressants or anything like that, because I know I am not depressed. I just need something to calm me down during those times when I want to but physically can't. I want to be calm inside and be able to function normally and not be so ridiculously tired all of the time. I just need something to help me help myself.