Month Twenty Four and Twenty Five

Dear Jack,

I apologize for the double post, you see, your mother was not in her right mind for most of June through September because most of the blood in my body was concentrated in my stomach. I am not sure if that is the reason pregnant women become loopy and absentminded and just plain dense for the latter part of their pregnancy, but one day when your own wife is pregnant you will be able to experience it first hand and fully understand and forgive my tardiness.

Last month you turned two years old. It is hard to believe that almost three years ago, my life was set into motion to change forever. And now, every day that passes I see you grow more and more towards being a little boy and further and further away from being my baby. Sure I am excited to see you grow into a little man and to see what kind of adult you will become, but I am not ready for time to get away from me just yet. I am not ready for you to stop wanting me to kiss your "ouchies", you asking if you can hold me, and I will even miss being followed into the bathroom everytime I have to pee. And, while I know that I still have quite a bit of time left, I find it unfair that so much seems to pass just when I blink my eyes. So, if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me "mom" and just refer to me as "mommy" for the next couple of years.

Another big event recently was the birth of your sister, Grace. Your first reaction to her when you came to visit us in the hospital was, "No, that's not Grace". I think you were expecting someone different, someone more your size and not someone so "boring" who slept, ate, and needed held by your mommy and daddy all the live long day. While you are extremely attached to me right now and occasionally fake cry like an infant, you are taking this change a lot better than I was afraid you might. You like to give her hugs, concern yourself with her cries, and are always quick to offer her binkie when she is upset. You just need to learn a little gentless and a little patience, but overall you are already a fantastic big brother.

Sadly, with life always comes loss. Right before the birth of your sister, my papa, your great grandfather passed away. I am sad that you will neve get to truly know him, and that he was never able to meet Grace. He was an amazing man and lived a life that has extended to you a legacy. Although we may never know the whole story or all of the details, he was able to escape from Nazi Germany during the holocaust. He lost everything: his family, his wealth, his home. He came over here with nothing but the clothes on his back and was able to build a successful life and more importantly, create a family. It is amazing to think that if anything would have gone differently, your grammy would not be here, I would not be here and neither would you or your sister.

Unfairly, the last several years of his life he was ill and in a lot of pain and discomfort. He never complained, and once said that if this is what god had dealt him than he would deal with it. He was the epitamy of determination, strength, intelligence and integrity and set the bar high for the rest of us. I hope that we can make his memory proud by living honestly, strongly, and by cherishing one another every day.

With the birth of your sister and the death of my papa, I have found myself thinking a lot lately over life and death. I have been thinking a lot about how lucky we are and how blessed our family is. One of the greatest things my parents taught me was to be grateful for what you have and to appreciate the little things. I hope I can pass that lesson on to you as well. And, even though you do not realize it now, we have given you a wonderful gift with the birth of your sister- the gift of family and a friend for life. The two of you need to look out for one another, take care of eachother, and always be there for one another. Family is so important- We may not have everything in life, but as long as we have eachother, we do not need to.

Love,

Mommy

She's Here!!

I received a wonderful birthday present from my doctor this year- an induction!!! The hubby and I went down on September 15th, early squirrely, and at 730am I was hooked up to the pitocin and labor was started. I was still only 1+ cm and 70% effaced, which means there is a good chance I would have made it to my due date and - who knows- I might be sitting here now STILL pregnant. I can not even wrap my mind around that...it makes my brain hurt.

The whole day went relatively fast- I contracted for HOURS, and they were uncomfortable and somewhat intense but still very bearable. After feeling that, I truly believe I would not have known if I was in real labor if I had waited because my contractions throughout the three weeks prior to being induced had been much more intense and painful. By noon, I was only 3cm and when they checked me at 4pm I was still the same. They finally broke my water and I immediately requested an epidural because I remembered how I felt a half hour after they broke my water with Jack and frankily I was not in the mood to feel like my pelvis was being ripped out of my body. I am so happy I had enough sense to do that, because literally within five minutes my body felt like it was eating itself. God bless Mr. Epidural. I toughed it out all day, but I am not into self torture. I do not sit around my family room bashing a hammer into my pelvis to pass the time, and therefore I refuse to put myself through extended amounts of UNNECESSARY pain. Do not get me wrong, rock on ladies who tough it out and are mentally bad ass enough to breath through the agony. However, I have had a child before, and I know you do not get upgraded to the presidential suite in the maternity ward for opting to take on the pain. It felt like it took ten years for her to put in the epidural, maybe that is because I was trying to hold still and try to ignore the pain of my body splitting in half every 2 1/2 minutes. Once it was in and the meds were powered on...."Angels Singing". Glorious...and my hospital provided the continuous drip which guarantees no pain through the duration of the labor.

Around ten to six, my doctor checked me again, and in only an hour and a half I had progressed to 6cm. Around five after six, my nurse came in and decided to check my progress "for the fun of it". As soon as she began to check she said "Oh my, there's a baby there". Turns out I was ready. Five minutes later I was pushing, and ten minutes later little Grace Madelyn Logue was born. I have been so lucky with the duration at which I have to actually push. I hear stories of women who pushed for hours. With Jack it was only 30 mins and with Grace only 10.

I did not realize how truly uncomfortable I had been the last month until I was not pregnant anymore. I feel like a new person. I feel like myself again. Yes, I am tired, but it is a good tired...a rewarding tired. I feel wonderful. Being a mom of two is definitely a whole new ball game, but one that is laced with experience and confidence. I truly believe half of what makes this easier this time around is knowing what to expect. Sure, I am hormonal and get weepy and I am having emotional issues dealing with this mild jaundice Grace has (clearing up nicely, I am just a worry wart)but I feel like I have control this time. Not to mention, having my husband home this time has been the best part- I am not alone. Just knowing someone else is there is extrememly reassuring and comforting.

So will I do it again? Yes. It would be too weird to think that was last time I was ever going to be pregnant or welcoming a new baby into our family, even knowing the last month of this pregnancy could repeat itself. There is nothing like the moment your baby is born and placed on your chest and you hear them cry and get to touch, see and hear them for the first time. The saturation of emotions that rush in instantaneously is indescribible and it is an uncomparable experience that changes you forever. People would ask me while I was pregnant this second time around if I worry about how I am going to love this new child as much as I already love my first. It is something I wondered about, but never really worried about. I love my little girl more than life itself, and with her only came a greater love and appreciation for my son and husband. A mother's heart can never be too full of love, and just when she thinks it is her little boy asks if he can hold her, she catches the scent of her newborn baby girl, or she sees her husband craddling her children and she feels it grow a little more only to fear that one day her chest just might burst.

There is a light!

Monday morning my consistent crampiness decided to take it up a notch. It leveled off for the remainder of the day and all day yesterday as well. This morning, they decided to kick it up another notch....BAM! (Apparently Emeril is controlling the last month of my pregnancy?) They are intense enough to disrupt my concentration and I have begun to feel sick from it. I had my weekly check-up this morning, but no change- still 1+ and 70% effaced. I began to cry. Yep...I cried like a little baby there in the doctor's office. I feel so blessed the the first eight months of the pregnancy were so easy and uneventful, but this last month is giving me a run for my money. It has not become only physically exhausting, but also mentally and emotionally draining. To my pleasant surprise, my doctor is giving me a birthday present. If the baby does not come in the next few days on her own, I am being induced on the 15th at 730am (Happy 25th Birthday to me!). I still feel like I was hit by a bus, but knowing that I only have two more days of work left and that I will not have to go two more weeks like this has padded some of the mental and emotional discomfort. I am really excited and really anxious. I just hope my body calms down a little bit before then so I can get some rest before next week.