1 year down, many to go...

Yesterday was Jack's first birthday party. We had a couple immediate family members over, some burgers, and some cake. As I was cleaning up the plastic cups and birthday plates covered in icing, it finally sunk in that my baby was one. It was a celebration of more than surviving the 1400 dirty diapers, 1900 bottles, 300 sleepless nights, 46 toys to step on in the dark, 24 ruined outfits, 18 stains on the carpet, and 2 very and tantrum filled car rides a day. For every dirty diaper there were 5 giggles, for every bottle there were 4 hugs and kisses, for every toe stub there were 3 milestones, and for every ruined out fit and stain and tantrum there was a little boy who lit up at the sight of his mommy and daddy.

It has been a hard year, but a rewarding year. And, it was nice to indulge in a slice of cake and a few martini's to be celebrate how grateful I am for every moment- regardless of how much hair I have pulled out of my head.

Twins?

Everytime I see Phelps on TV or in a picture, I can not stop thinking that he looks SO familiar. Than it hit me!!!!




Phelps...meet my brother Jason. I am sure another picture of Jason would do the comparison more justice, but this is the only one I could find (because jason does not take pictures).

Twins....brothers....distant cousins.....soul mates? you decide.

If you have not performed your good deed for today...

...here is a way to cross it off your list.

Since I became a wife and mother, my heart has gotten softer to family problems. When I saw this, I couldn't help but wonder, "I can not imagine what I would do..." So, since I could only hope people would come together for my family, I think it is only right to come through for another in need.



http://www.nierecovery.com/

Month Twelve

Dear Jack,

Today you turned one year old (well, it is only 9:01pm so you will not technically be a year old for another hour and five minutes).

This was another exciting month: you started walking. It was completely out of nowhere; one second you were holding onto things and flailing forward and the next you were strolling across the living room. You really dedicated yourself to walking too. If you fell down, you would crawl a few steps to gain momentum and up you went again. The last few weeks you have found smoothness, and where before you hated wearing shoes- today you hand them to us so that we put them on.

This month was also your first camping trip. We thought that if we put you in a room by yourself at night, you would be fine. Unfortunately, you weren't having it and you and I were up almost the entire first night. I would put you in bed with me and think you were actually going to fall asleep, but you would quickly decide "nope" and grab my face whilst laughing. I read not to long ago that no matter how frustrated or horrible a mother is feeling, all she has to do is see her child smile and serotonin is automatically released into her body and she feels happy and relaxed. That must be true, because no matter how tired and frustrated I got, as soon as you smiled all I could do was laugh. Other than the sleepless nights, you did very well. You had your first canoe ride, were introduced to fire, and had a great time digging in the dirt.

Your dad and I wanted to try and make your first birthday as special as we could. It isn't like you can tell us what you want to do or what you would like for dinner, so we did the best we could. I let you do things that I wouldn't usually let you do, like: pulling all of the glad sandwich bags out of the box, play with the remote, throw food in the bathtub, and even eat pop tarts for lunch. We took you to Toys'r'us and you walked around aimlessly in circles with us in tow. We bought you some match box cars and some safari animals, all of with you call a variation of the word "dog". We had dinner, went to the park, came back and ate cake (well, you threw yours at the wall).

The whole day, I found myself thinking back to a year ago. "Right now a year ago I was.....". Right now, at 9:14pm, one year ago I was sitting in a hospital bed about 10 minutes from pushing. Having you was one of the most amazing and humbling experiences of my entire life. Words can't explain how I felt the moment they placed you on my stomach. Every time I watch silly shows with babies being born, I feel the stinging pressure behind my eyes because I start to feel what I felt at that moment all over again.

In some ways this year has gone slow because I can not remember what it felt like before you were here, and fast because I can not believe you are already a year old. You are no longer the fragile baby who lay still and helpless in my arms. Today you are a rough and tough little boy full of personality and energy. You always want to go, but you always know who to turn to if you fall down or just need you mommy. I don't know how many more of these years I will have of you wanting and needing me. I just hope, that when you don't need me, that you always remember that I am here if you change your mind.

Love Always,

Mommy

Welcome back...I think?

Well, it took almost a year, but I am finally back to my pre-Jack body (excluding the very faint stretch marks that will never go away). I guess eating "well" was only getting me so far, and I needed to join the gym to bring me over that small plateau and eradicate the last 5+ pounds and untonedness I could not get rid of.

I feel a lot better about myself in general, and I really want to appreciate the way I look this time around. After I had Jack, I never thought I would ever have the body I used to have before and I began hating the fact that I never allowed myself to appreciate how I looked back then. No matter how much I used to complain about my weight or how I looked, I never realized until I lost that physique how much I really depended on it and took comfort in knowing how I looked.

There is a down side to having my body back, though. I have noticed that it brings some of the old eating feelings back to the surface. I am no where close to having the same mentality that I used to have when I had almost hit rock bottom with my disorder, but it is enough to really that it really bothers me. Everything started five years ago, and everday since I have wanted so badly to overcome everything 100%. I tried to convince myself that a part of it would never leave me to help me accept things better, but I can't handle having this ugly thing continously invade my life.

I always thought that once I was away from competitive running, things would calm down. Then I started to realize that this stigma of thin and successful is everywhere. The business world is perceived as a man's game, but women can easily take control. Let's face it, at the end of the day every man is a MAN, and it does not take a scientist to notice that being attractive and thin is an major advantage.

Do not start panicing everytime I go to the bathroom, or assuming I do not want a piece of pizza at 11pm a sign that I must be starving myself...because that couldnt be further from the case. I just want to be strong enough and have enough will power to stay out of falling back into past routines, and more importantly that past mental prison I was in.

Being back at my goal weight is great, but it is also very scary.

My lesson of the day

You can only turn your head to things that happen so many times until you find that you have completed a circle and have nothing left to turn away from.

Hit by a truck

I have been going to the gym a lot lately, and I really thought I was getting into pretty good shape. I decided to do a road race in October with Bill's cousin, so I figured I should probably make sure I can actually run. Well, apparently I can't.

I went to the lake at north park, and after two miles my knees started to hurt. It was a walk/run struggle the last 3 miles, and by the time 8pm rolled around I felt like I was hit by a car. I think my body is broken...the whole entire thing.

I have an itch that needs scratched.

Jack is walking; like a drunken sailor, but walking nonetheless. He is almost a year old, and I am finding that baby amnesia is starting to set in. I am starting to forget the sleepless nights and the three hour crying sessions-between me and him-, and the constant carrying and walking around.

I am so ready for another baby, that I have found myself choosing names. I keep seeing all of the pregnant women around me and I can't help but feel nostalgia of being pregnant myself. Sure it was hard and I felt gross and the road maps on my body will never go away- but there was something special about being pregnant. People looked at you differently and treated you differently- it is that experience in your life that shows you true humanity and the excitement people have about new life; no matter how annoying it is when the sixth person puts their hand on your stomach.

I want to feel that first moment of when the baby is born again and to mesmerize over the little person you helped create. I never thought I would be able to love a child as much as I love Jack, but I think that is what is so amazing about mothers- their capacity and ability to love each of their children with the same intensity.

I am not sure I would get pregnant tomorrow; I finally got my body back, but I wish I didnt have to wait another 2 years to try.