8 Months

Dear Jack,

Yesterday (ok...a week ago), you turned eight months old. You have grown so much in the past 31 days, I often look at you and ask, "Who are you?"

By far, my favorite moment with you this month was yesterday itself. You hate baths- every time we stick you in the tub it is like we just placed you in flesh eating acid. Because of that, it usually takes the help of your dad so that one of us can hold you and the other can wipe you down and rinse you off so that we can get you in and out as quickly as possible. So, per usual, we got you ready and placed you in the water. As we waited for the tense shrieks, you looked at the running water, at us, and down at the water in the tub and began to laugh hysterically. Then you proceeding to try and dive into the water like a fish.

You decided a couple of weeks ago that pureed green beans are below you and jarred chicken and noodle dinner is too infantile for your sophisticated palette. Unfortunately, your gums are unable to ravage whole cows, so it a darn good thing you are in the process of becoming the proud new owner of THREE slowly developing top teeth. That is right, YOU HAVE A CANINE! Today canine teeth, tomorrow the keys to the car.

Introducing you to new foods is one of my favorite things. This month you tried Birthday Cake Ice cream...I thought "Hallelujah" was going to be your first word, because you were THAT excited about it. You could not get enough of it, and every time you got a bite you completely spazzed- with arms flaying and emphasized m's. If you were that excited about ice cream, just wait till you turn 21.

Aside from food, your crawling has gotten lighting fast, and it is getting harder to keep track of you. I set you down, and like superman- faster that a speeding bullet- you are in the kitchen in Jake's cat food. I should really just buy gates already, but like the cabinet door locks that are sitting on top of the hutch collecting dust- god only knows when it will happen. I am going to break it to you now- I think you should have a seat for this....Your mother is lazy. You also learn with time that I am completely impatient, which makes me one big contradiction. They make songs about people like me.

Speaking of songs- you are starting to develop a taste in music. There will be times you will be in mid-scream while we are in the car and all of the sudden Sarah Barella(spelling is irrelevant) "love song" will come on and you will immediately stop. Then, the song will change and if it is something you do not care to hear then you resume screaming. I used to think I was a bad mom because I do not play nursery rhyme cd's in the car and rarely ever at home. Yeah, sometimes I sing "The wheels on the bus" to you and other kiddy "treasures", but that is about it. I figure it this way- when you are 5 and all of the other boys are running around to ring-around-the rosie, you will be in the corner belting out "slow dance" by John Legend with a crowd of girls swarming you. You're Welcome.

Love,

Mom

Teething Hell

I started to write Jack's 8 month letter last week, but have not finished it yet (obviously) because frankly I am just too damn tired.

If I was with someone who had just had a near death experience and they came back telling me that they had just had the strangest dream about swimming in a pool of orajel surrounded by babies chewing on teething rings, I will know instantly that they must not be a very good person because they just came back from the fifth level of hell.

The last three nights have been excruciating. I am so tired, I physically hurt. The teething experience has never been this bad. Jack is cutting three teeth, the two top front and one canine. He does not want to eat and most horribly does not want to sleep. I called the doctor this morning to see if there was anything I could do. She asked if I had tried a cold compress, tylenol, or orajel. I will tell you like I told her, aside from bashing my head in with a sledge hammer, I have tried E V E R Y T H I N G. I have even cannonballed into the realm of old home remedies. Nothing is working. Not cold teething rings or cloths, not orajel, not Tylenol, not mortrin, not teething tablets, not whiskey, not even vanilla extract. Yes we let him cry and yes we even tried co-sleeping last night, but turns out he doesn't like it either.

My nerves are frayed. I am a zombie. I am getting my tubes tied at noon.

So, tax season finally ended last week and I will admit that as far as communication goes, I fell off the face of the planet. It is as if I have been in some self induced rehab the last week or so, laying low and doing as little functioning as possible. We had wednesday off, which, if you are a mother know that days off translates to "shit, how many errands do i have time for?" so it really wasnt a day off at all. Thursday was a half day of work and then post season lunch which included two and half glasses of wine. And, if you are a parent, two and a half glasses of wine equates to "anyone want to go streaking? bring your green hat!" Friday, I came to work for a couple hours and then decided what a horrible decision maker I was and left by 2. A good decision maker would have turned the car around in the morning and never entered at all. Saturday involved my first attempt at running in almost two years- a 5 mile loop was probably an amazing choice- again, another example proving how horrible I am at making decisions. Then, Sunday, I forced myself back into life again and finally started to make up for the cleaning I have been telling Bill I was going to do for the last 5 or so months.

I have to say, although working all of those hours was borderline hell, when it was time to leave on Tuesday, I was hard pressed to go. I kept finding reasons to stay a little longer. All of the sudden I felt anxious and almost sad- very fidgety. It is like the last day of school- you work so hard all year, especially those last couple of weeks for finals and then BAM it is done and you are left wondering what the hell you are supposed to do with yourself now.

it doesnt make sense, and it is not supposed to.

without divulging into client details, I am about two baseball bats away from losing my marbles.

side effects

Yesterday, the daycare called me at work around 5pm. Jack forgot that he did not know how to walk yet, took a step and hit his upper lip on a table. They said he was bleeding a lot and they could not tell how deep it was but they had given him a Popsicle and it seemed to aid in stopping the gushing. All I could do was ask questions and say, "Bill has the car but he will be there by 530". I could not drop everything and go and get him. I could not even leave with them after Bill stopped by work with Jack so I could see the damage. It is almost the end of tax season, and there is so much to do- I was here until 945 last night, and by the time Bill and Jack picked me up it was way past his bed time and he was asleep in his car seat.

This morning when we got to daycare, Jack smiled and enthusiastically reached out to Carlene, one of the girls that takes care of him. He did not need me, he did not want me, he didn't even care that I left. I think my heart just stopped beating.

It is 9pm and I am still at work.

I have been here since 830am.

My appearance and mind are deteriorating (i cant believe i spelled that right on the first try) with every passing minute.

Today was not the day to wear a skirt and peep toe high heels.

Yesterday, Bill and I played hooky and went to the Home Opener. I originally wasn't going to go, because of tax season and I felt guilty about leaving- BUT then I realized that eating pounds of chocolate makes me feel guilty too but that doesn't stop me from eating it- SO I went.

I am so glad I went, it was a BEAUTIFUL day. One of those days that makes you completely forget that you were just living through 4+ months of cold, miserable weather. The same kind of amnesia that helps mothers forget about all of the pain and exhaustion they just went through and helps keep the world populated. It felt so good to get out and be in the sun and relax. It brought back those feelings of skip days in high school and how fun the adrenaline makes what your doing when you know you should be doing something else. Not to mention, we had a set babysitter with daycare, so it worked out even better.

On a downside, definitely lost $120 CASH. I cried when I realized it. It does not break us, but $120 is $120 which means I have to take stuff from other places and move the budget around a little. Bill made me feel better by telling me that perhaps it was God's plan. I just hope that the money was found by someone that really needed it. Knowing that I possibly helped relieve a mother of her grocery money fears for the next two weeks makes me feel better.

cloud 17

I have been rushing around like a mad woman at work this morning trying to get everything I can done because I am leaving at 11:30. It has been an extra demanding morning and everyone has been wanting more than usual. I went to drop the monthly billings in my bosses office and he told me how impressed he was with how many returns I was able to send through this tax season. He said he could not believe how many I was able to complete and check with everything else I had to do-I thanked him for noticing. I am so happy right now. The work does not seem so stressful when you get those occasional motivation refills from being recognized for all of your hard work.

This morning, before I left for work, I got out Jack's food for Bill and left it on the counter. As I was driving to work, I thought about what I did: got Jacks diaper bag ready, put out the foods for him to eat for the day, etc- and I realized how ridiculous that really was. When Bill asked me what I was doing, I told him I was just getting stuff ready so it was one less thing he had to do. What that really the reason though? Do I really think Bill was that incapable of feeding and clothing Jack? As if there was any imminent fear of him smashing up a light-bulb and sprinkling it on some pureed brown sugar candle and feeding it to Jack for lunch? Why do mothers have such a anal disposition when it comes to their children's schedule. As if it is going to matter is he eats carrots instead of squash for lunch, if he wears the red shirt instead of the button down? I wish I was as anal about other things as much as I am about stupid stuff.

Don't move or I'll cut it off!

About a week or two ago, my elbow was hurting me pretty badly. It was brief here and there, and Bill told me it must be a pinched nerve. As of yesterday, the "here and there" slight pain has turned into non-stop intense pain. It hurts to press my hand down, it hurts when i pull up, hurts to reach behind me, hurts to carry things, and I can not bend it more than 2 degrees, it hurts to type, my hand and shoulder hurt by association....basically my entire left arm is useless. holy crap. Am I that old already? I am already falling apart and complaining about ailments.

UPDATE: my mom said it could be tennis elbow. chicken crap.

"Dorothy, Dorothy, Dorothy come and dance with me. Dorothy the Dinosaur" is replaying in my head...over and over and over. Just those two lines...over and over and over. Thank you wiggles for allowing us to get ready in the morning- shame on you for your annoying and addictive songs.

We were already running late this morning. Honestly, it doesn't seem to matter what time we get up- we are always running 10 minutes late. No, it doesn't matter if we wake up 10 or even 30 minutes earlier, I have already tried it- it does not work. It is like we live in the twilight zone or some dimension run by some evil little gnome who gets his jollies off of our tardiness, because no matter how motivated I am to get us out the door and to work on time SOMETHING always happens and we fall back.

The evil gnome was particularly playful this morning. We got in the car-already running late- and I was getting the air out of Jack's Drop-in bottle and BAM-explosion...all over me. Seriously?

On a better note, we got a new TV stand yesterday. We are slowly growing up and acquiring grown-up like things, and our TV is no longer on the $5 stand I got from goodwill my sophmore year of college or a bench/chest- which is meant for sitting and not tvs. What makes this TV stand even better is that we didn't have to buy it-Bill's boss just bought it and does not like it so she asked if we wanted it...ummmmm....is my name Jenna and do I like vanilla tootsie rolls more than I like freedom? YES! People who turn down nice, FREE things are idiots. Of course we offered her money, and even if she would've taken it we would have completely made out. I will buy her a bottle of wine or something though to thank her. FREE THINGS:) Now all we need is some new free couches and a new close to free car.

This is why I'm hot.

Yesterday when we got home from work, I noticed a funky smell in the kitchen. The garbage can lid had fallen off. Instead of changing the bag, I febreezed it. This is why I am awesome.

Love is patient, Love is kind.

We had our "last" class on Thursday. The deacon asked the class, "what is love?" I felt brave and delusional from hunger, so I raised my hand first. I can not remember exactly what I said, but I know it went something like this:

"Love is completely unconditional. It is a hundred percent me, and a hundred percent him(thanks laura) and if one of us gives any less than that, our relationship will tumble over. We have been through a lot already in the time we have been together, things that would break even the strongest of people down and apart. We have a son (MAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE HEADS SNAP AROUND, I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO HAVE TO START DODGING ROLLING NOGGIN'S), and that too has tested us. Despite what the beliefs of the church are, I believe that god sent our son to us as a blessing and I know he is our guardian angel, and I cannot be convinced otherwise. He has truly been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to us. He made us grow up and re-evaluate our lives and what was really important. The things that could have broke us, made us stronger. If I fall, I know he will be there to catch me. The bad times have made the good times so much more amazing."

Then he asked me how long we have been married.

I have has this recurring dream, the details and situations vary but the plot line is always the same. In the dreams, I am always put in a position that asks me whether or not I want to stay with Bill or leave him. In the dreams, when I think about my future without him- all I see and feel is emptiness. I always choose him. It isn't that I am that dependent on him that I cannot breathe without him, but he fulfills me and my life and I know I would be less of "me" without him. The comfort I feel with him is not because I take his presence for granted, but that his puzzle pieces fit mine. We haven't had to force them to go in or cut and tape pieces to make them fit, like we do so often with so many people we are with. We argue and we become impatient with one another- I think there are fewer mornings before work that we do than don't, and no- it isn't always rainbows and butterflies and sometimes the only intimacy we can stay awake for is a good night kiss, but isn't that life? Isn't life not just accepting things because they are what they are and you have no choice, but rather owning and cherishing every facet because it is all yours and you own them and they define you? It has taken me so long to understand what is important, what the difference between want and need is, and what really fulfills me at days end. you can't just walk away when the water gets cold. You can't just say or assume it is over because something happens, and throw your hands up in the air and say, "oh well, we tried, good luck!" You have to stick it out and keep treading no matter how tired you get and no matter how hard you are shivering. And, when you finally find a piece of ply wood to climb onto and the sun finally comes out- that warmth burns every bad feeling out of your soul. That warmth is worth every teeth chattering experience.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." - 1 John 4:7-8 (NIV) I guess that is why love is so hard to capture in a definition.