Unconditional Love

Jack has not been feeling well. Yesterday was extremely exhausting and I was really looking forward to getting some sleep. Around 2am, I heard him cry. I let him go for about 5 minutes to see if he would resettle himself, but when he didnt and his cries became worse, I went into his room. He was standing there, crying...his binky hanging from his mouth like a cigarette. I was about to lay him down and rub his head, but what I saw all over the sheet stopped me. I turned on the light...thank god it was not diarrhrea...but what is was, I still can not tell you. It was orange, crystallized, and all over his legs and the sheet...but not in his diaper. At 2am, I do not care about sheets, so I ripped it off and threw it away. I changed him, wiped him down with wipeys and help him for a little bit until I was sure he was consoled enough to fall back asleep.

The love a mother has for her child is incomparable to any love on this planet. From the day Jack was conceived, until the day I die, our story will twist and turn and I will take whatever he throws at me. It is easy to love your child when they are smiling and happy and cooperative. You give them hugs and smile back and tell them how wonderful they are or how much you love them. No matter how forward and important these gestures are, it is when your child is not 'at their best' when they really find out how much you love them- and when a mother realizes how much they must really love their child. Sure, I pull my hair out when he intentionally holds raviolis over his chair and drops them on the floor, when he spits the food out of his mouth so he can eat something else, or when he shakes his bottle all over the room and sprays milk all over my furniture and carpet. But, when he cries at 2am because he does not feel well and he needs his mommy, my sleep is not important. I did not bat an eye last night when I saw that orange mystery substance all over the place (well, I admit, I looked at it and tried to find a pulse to see if I needed to kill it). I took care of it and him and made sure he was clean and ok before I worried about getting back to myself.

I wonder how long this will last? How long he will want me to comfort him and take care of him.

HELLO?! Is anyone out there, there there ther the th t

I hate that so many topics are taboo, because I think that if more people talked about them openly or it was ok for me to ask about them openly, I might not feel as schizo inside.

Lately, I have been worried about money. So much so, that, I decided after the two month required trial period for my gym membership is up, I am going to cancel because I can not wrap my mind around the $42 a month it will cost me at this point and time in our lives. Gas is going up, grocery bills are going up, utilities keep creeping up, and cash flow keeps staying the same. Bill are not strapped to the last penny, but I do-anally but responsibly- create an excel spreadsheet right before the start of every new month so that I can see where EVERY SINGLE DOLLAR needs to go. We do not have the luxury to NOT do that right now.

I just recently got the projected cost of what completing my education will cost: $27k, give or take. That is two and half years worth of school, so I guess it is not THAT bad and I know it will more than benefit us in the long run because of salary increases that will accompany it....but I honestly had a panic attack when I saw that. We already have enough debt- and knowing that we will be adding THAT much more, is daunting.

I used to be so careless with money, and now I have small mal seizures when I see pairs of shorts that cost more than $15. People can not believe Bill and I still only have one car....and I look at them right back with the same "what planet are you from?" expression. Do they know how much cars cost? We can NOT afford another car payment right now, and so we are trying to find something cheap but respective that we can pay for with cash.

I have not been able to sleep well the last couple of nights. I feel like no matter how much we make, somehow the bills are able to compete and creep up right along with it. I guess, I just want to know that I am not the only one money anxious or nervous when it comes to bills and income flow. That I am not the only one who loses sleep night or feels heart palpitations as she watches the grocery store cashier ring up the same stuff she got two weeks prior, because somehow everything costs $30 more this week. I want to know that I am not the only one that goes around through her day, holding her breath and hoping nothing unexpected comes up because I do not know how it will be paid for. Everyone keeps buying houses and cars, etc etc etc, and I know Bill and I will be there one day sooner than not....but when I hear all about that and not as much as what I am dealing with...it really gets to me more.

Anyone have any extra xanax lying around?

10 months

Dear Jack,

Today, you are 10 months old. It seems with every passing month, I find myself saying, "This is my favorite age!" LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!! I can not get over your extreme amount of cuteness and your ability to make me laugh and feel completely thankful for my life- despite the fact that I may have just slammed my toe in the bathroom door or made a car payment.


This month, your meal menu has grown to include everything but steak, fish, peanut butter, and honey. I get a kick out of feeding you things, because your enthusiastic "MMMM!"s and lit-up expressions are hysterical. If you develop a food problem and find yourself weighing 500lbs one day, I am sorry. I have made feeding you a game, and I am ashamed........who wants another oatmeal cream pie?!

Our lives have been made a lot simpler by the fact that you eat regular food, and when I didn't think it could get any better- we tried regular milk, and you have not had similac since. AND THEN, when I thought things really couldnt get any better....YOU SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!! I never thought the day would come. Seriously, me and my body had adapted to the fact that we would be waking up at least once or twice a night until we could pass you on to your new spouse. And, even though it has already been three weeks, I still went into your room this morning to make sure you were still breathing because it still feels unreal.

The biggest thing this month, was the our wedding. A lot of parents are embarrassed to tell their children that they had them before they were married, but I would rather tell you than have you figure it out on your own via simple math. I am not ashamed, or embarrassed. I will admit, when that test (and the 20 other following) screamed two pink lines, my heart fell into the toilet I was sitting on. I couldn't believe it...I was not ready to be a parent. Your father and I were petrified, but by the end of the day, we were already happily looking at names we liked. You may not have been planned, but that does not make you any less special. I think people who try too hard to have a baby, sometimes make the whole act of trying to create a child into a chore. You were the result of two people who love each other. You were unplanned, but not an accident or a mistake. Accidents correspond to automobiles or falling down the stairs, mistakes are what you do when you add numbers wrong or call your wife by an old girlfriends name-something so beautiful and full of joy, like yourself, could never be labeled as such.


Love,
Mommy