Who's fault is this?

So I watch the "Biggest Loser" sometimes- usually when it is the off season and there absolutely nothing else on. I like seeing the results and the before and afters of everyone- which is probably the only thing that keeps me hooked. Usually when I am watching it, I am eating a massive amount of junk food. A bowl of ice cream and a dozen chocolate chip cookies is most likely exactly what you should be eating while you watch 16 people work their butts off as they struggle with their over-eating issues.

ANYWAY, they always promote different kinds of food products. They will all be casually sitting around at breakfast as one of them pulls out a quaker oatmeal box and tells everyone how wonderful QUAKER OATMEAL is to help you get your day started-there is nothing like QUAKER OATMEAL. I'm cool with that- promote healthy options away! But, then, they went too far. You are probably why I am bringing this up right now. See, I go through a pack of gum a day. I have this crazy oral fixation where I MUST BE CHEWING ON SOMETHING AT ALL TIMES or my arms will fall off and I'll grow a third eye. Well, this week EXTRA was on sale, so I bought it. When I opened the lid it said something to the effect of "BIGGEST LOSER RECOMMENDS THIS AS A SNACK". When the hell did gum become a snack? As in, when the hell did it become ok to start including it in our daily meal plan. "For breakfast I had QUAKER OATMEAL and for lunch I had 4 pieces of EXTRA polar ice gum...yum..count me out for dinner, because I think that last piece put me over the top". How about we just learn to eat healthy and exercise and save the gum to freshen our breath....or, in my case, save our appendages.

He's just not that into you can suck it.

No spoilers heres. I went to see "he's just not that into you" with cheman yesterday. The ending of the movie was wrapped in a nice little bow, where all of the storylines- for the most part- came to a cutesy little ending. However, not before the movie completely portrayed women as crazy CRAZIES who only obsess about love and relationships and are either waiting by the phone for a guy to call of waiting for him to pop the question. I would like to say that I am not a feminist by any stretch of the imagination, and that I am a happily married woman. However, I did once date and I had crushes on guys so I know what it is like to have NO FREAKING CLUE what a guy is thinking about where you two might be going. All this movie does is say is that if you have no idea what is going on then nothing is. And, that all women do is obsess about every little nuance a guy does and that we go home after every first date and start planning our destination weddings. Hold on a second! First of all, I am not a desperate person, and I do not know ANYONE who goes out with a guy and comes home and starts choosing baby names. Second, the one thing they never thought to touch on in this movie was the fact that MAYBE JUUUUST MAYBE the reason women get so confused is because men play more games and add more drama to dates and relationships than women. Men always claim to be so simple and so straightforward- and if that is in fact the case, then why the hell do they just not tell you exactly what they want from the get go. Do not give a woman your number and take hers and tell her you'll call her and that the two of you should go out again sometime and not mean it. If you do not like her and you do not ever want to see her again, tell her. 97.8753% of women sit there wondering what is going on because men allow them to think there is something going on. So women turn out to look like desperate little freaks. And, if you aren't a desperate little freak, then you fall under the categories of control freak, wishful marriage freak, or conniving stealing husband freak.

So, maybe I took my reaction to this innocent romantic comedy too seriously, but all I did through that ENTIRE movie was whisper things like "women aren't THAT ridiculous" or "what the hell?" . And, then when I got home all me and my pregnant hormones did was be annoyed.

First Trimester Blues

I do not remember feeling THIS lousy during my first trimester with Jack. Yeah I was a little more tired, and maybe my emotions were a little amplified, but nothing like this. I could probably sleep all day long if I was allowed to. I have had to resort to a cup of...wait for it...regular coffee (waits for yelling). I have to...I can physically not get through some days without a late afternoon cup of coffee. And, because I am THAT tired, I am equally as moody. I do not mean to be, but I feel like I go around secretly set to kill at any point in time. And let's not forget the empty pit that has established itself as my stomach. So much for NOT gaining the 47lbs I did with Jack. I just ate a bagel and drank some hot chocolate and I could probably eat about three more bagels if I let myself. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to be constantly hungry and not want to be? This is shit. All I have to do is make it through these next four weeks and hopefully once I am out of the first trimester I will morph back into a human being.

On a lighter note, I am REALLY excited about this baby. So I guess if I go to jail 100lbs heavier for killing an innocent bystander, my new little bundle of joy will be all worth it.

Month 17

Dear Jack,

When I dropped you off at daycare this morning, you did not want me to leave and in turn that caused me to cry. I am not sure if it is the extra hormones streaming through my body or the fact that Monday through Wednesday I see you when we go to work/daycare and when I get home at 8:45 to put you to bed, and then Thursday and Friday and Saturday in the morning and evening. The only day I see you all day is Sunday. Mommy's job is a blessing and a curse. A blessing that helps us pay our bills and keep us a float, and a curse January-April because it keeps me from you and your father. Thankfully it is only for that period, but that does not make it any easier.

You are 17 months old, almost a year and a half. You have developed your own language, but have also started to put phrases like "bye bye daddy" together. You are always on energizer bunny mode and your hair is just as ridiculous as ever. You keep us busy and you keep us laughing.

The biggest development in our family right now is the upcoming newest addition. We were not planning on it, but I am really happy that you will have someone close to your age to grow up with. I am sure it will be a major adjustment, and you experience a shift in the way our family funs. I promise that you will still get our undivided attention as much as we can give it to you. There will be someone else that will rely on me a little more for a while, but you will always be my baby and I promise that no matter how many directions I am pulled I will always make time for you and will always be there to take care of you.

Love,

Mommy

Best laid plans are not always what is best for us.

I see these people that seem like they have it all- like everything comes easily for them and life is easy and they do not have to worry about a lot of the things I worry about day in an day out. That seems to be what we plan on in high school, and the beginning of college. That we are going to set ourselves up for a life of ease. My parents have two cars and a house and go on vacations and buy whatever they want, so will I. Then you make decisions, and the road you are on begins to wind a little- and then sometimes a lot. You feel like you are careening down a huge hill and your brakes are broken and you feel like you have absolutely no control. When I found out I was pregnant with Jack, that is how I felt. What am I going to do? How did I let this happen? I was supposed to finish college, be successful, and have a stable foundation set up for a family. I questioned god in those first few months. Everything that kept happening, what was he doing to us? How much more did he think we could take? Today, sitting here and looking back on the last 3 years I finally understand that God knew exactly what I was doing. I was not traveling out of control, I was just coming down for a safe landing.

Everytime I thought we would not get through something, things would happen to allow us to. I can not tell you how blessed I feel. How glad I am that my best laid plans did not work out. I am thankfull for the early lessons I learned, for the family I am growing, for the friends...the real friends I still have in my life, and the financial security that has been given to us. Sure we have bills and debts we are paying off, but there is always enough to get us through.

Now, there is a new baby on his or her way. We were talking about having another, but realistically new that affording two children in daycare was out of the question right now. But, God had different plans and a path was paved and here we are seven and a half weeks a long with another addition to our family. I was shocked at first and scared, but prayers were answered faster than I ever expected and now because of Bill's new successful promotion we are good to go for another baby. It is hard to think that things are not meant to be sometimes. It feels so good to be where we are, to know where we are going and to have the lessons of where we came from helping to shape the decisions we make. I remember the days when nothing seemed right, or it felt like everyone was passing me by, but if you are doing all you can then maybe your not lost. Maybe you are just traveling on a different path that is better for you, and one day you'll be able to look back and see the road you traveled and how much better you are for it.

Month15-Month and Month 16

Dear Jack,

On New Year's Eve, your father and I were reminiscing on the year now, almost behind us. We talked about how much you have grown- your eye level now reaches a couple of inches above the window sill so that you are able to see out into the world beyond your four walls. We started to think of the milestones you have accomplished, and the remembering the cute things that you do and used to do. What we did not expect, was how much we had already forgotten. All of the adorable things that we swore to ourselves we would sear into our brains and remember never to forget...we forgot. How you used to play peek-a-boo with one finger on each hand and barely cover your eyes. How you started saying "yes" way before you starting saying "no" and how we thought we had to be the luckiest parents ever because you were agreeable to everything. "Hey Jack, would you like to go to bed?" You would promptly say "yes" and walk into your room. "Jack, would you like some fruit?" You would gleefully say "yes"! "Jack, would you like to watch yourself while mommy and daddy go out on the town- here are the emergency numbers!" "YES" you would reply. Unfortunately you only said "yes" until you said no...and now "no" is all you say. Half the time you say "no" as you are agreeing to our question with your actions. I will ask you if you want a drink, and you will say "no" as you extend your hands out for your cup. ANYWAY...I have gotten a little off subject. What I was getting at, is that I started to write these letters to you because I wanted to remember the little nuances that I was afraid to forget. Until one day I got cocky and figured I would not forget...but you see, you grew up TOO fast. WAY too fast. What are you doing?! Slow down. It's like, today I was teaching you the word "please" and tomorrow you'll be asking me to borrow the car...with a "please" of course. I look at your pictures just from August of this year, and I feel the pressure well up behind my eyes. I can not handle knowing that you will never be that little again. Maybe if I just hold you tightly enough, you'll stay little and innocent and oblivious.

Regardless, no matter how fast you grow-up, please do not forget how much we love you. I do not regret any decision I have ever made, because if I had not made them then I would not have you. Grow-up, just do not forget where home is and what it means.

Love,
Dad-dy (as you call me....trust me, it was not your dad-dy who was up with you 67 times last night)

Month 14

Dear Jack,

You have become a lot more active in the last month. You run faster, and hit run into walls harder. There are those movies where is always guy standing on a train track and a train is coming at him. He has a good minute to move his feet forward and walk off the tracks, but he stands there and screams and chooses to not move. I'll see you in a situation where I have a feeling you are going to fall into something, and I find myself just cringing and holding my breath in preparation. It is kind of like that.

Right now it is fall, my absolute favorite time of the year. While you were in my tummy for that 9 months, 2 days, 22 hours and 6 minutes- I would find myself thinking of all of the fun things we would be able to do with you. We would dye Easter eggs, go to the zoo, go to the pumpkin patch, pick out a Christmas tree, bake cookies for santa and so on. Last year at this time, you were still quite the little blob and your participation in those things was obviously not going to happen. So you can imagine my excitement this year because you are at a stage in your life when you are starting to discover things and are curious and excited about everything. So, we went to the Zoo a couple of weeks ago. I was so excited- I mean, you LOVE your plastic elephant, surely you'll love the big live one only football field's length behind a fence!!! By the time we got to the real elephant at the zoo,you were reaching for your stroller. Ok- so you aren't ready for the zoo. Surely you'll love the pumpkin patch!! So, last weekend we went. We got on the hayride and we got off where all of the pumpkins were sprawled out through the fields. PUMPKINS WERE EVERYWHERE! BIG ORANGE THINGS YOU COULD CLIMB ON, THROW, AND DESTROY! I figured that once I put you down you would never want to come home. We would have to change your address to 101 Pumpkin Field On The Right, Pittsburgh, PA. So, I put you down. You looked around- assessed your surroundings- looked back at me and made your "come here mom" sign with your hands so that I would pick you up. What else you got mom? See, that? By bubble.

I am starting to get the feeling that this is what happens for most parents. That they are more excited at the thought of the memory they are going to make, then letting the memory happen for itself. I am not surprised though. I find myself doing that with most things in life; playing out events in my mind before they happen. How I think things will go, how perfectly I plan things out in my mind. It is why I am so easily pleased, and yet so easily disappointed. I hope that you aren't like that. I hope that you are responsible and think before you leap, but I also how you do not obsess over things before they even happen. I hope you simply expect an event to be what it is going to be- and leave the possibilities open. Be a dreamer my baby, but don't forget to watch where you are walking.

Love,

Mommy