Month 20

Dear Jack,

Despite some rollercoaster ride moments with our family this month, you were definitely one of the biggest things that helped us see the silver lining and once again realize 'it could always be worse'. The biggest "setback" was your father losing his job to the poor economic climate we are presently inhabiting. Of course we were devastated and of course there were tears- but how depressed can you really be when bombarded with the constant presence of a 20 month old's ignorant bliss. God bless you and your constant requests for "hugs" and "kes-ses", your growing vocabulary and that freakingly adorable voice that tries to pronounce words, your arrogance for opening the child proof locks and then re-locking them upon request, the way your roll your eyes at me- who would have thought it was hereditary and not learned, the fact that I can ramble an entire paragraph and when I am done the ONLY word you seem to pick-up and repeat 16 times in a row is "shit" - or as you say "sheeet" (I really need to do a better job at remembering how much you are starting to pick up), the way you say "daddy" and "mommy", how your cry when I leave and how wonderful returning to your excited hugs are because they truly establish my every homecoming.

Among your ability to make us feel better, I also noticed another big change in you this month; your behavior. Ever since you stopped going to daycare, you have been a different child. You are more relaxed, content, you are not aggressive anymore and we are not finding ourselves having to contest with unbearable meltdowns every single night. Not only are you bonding with your daddy, but having him around every day has brought a sense of reassurance to your life. You are not competing with other children all of the time or having to defend yourself from your toys being stolen or for attention. It is a lot quieter at home, and that in turn has made you a lot calmer. I almost hope that something works out when this is all said and done and you do not have to go back to daycare. I suppose, with all things, time will tell.

Well, I should get back to the grind- but know this- you are always on my mind.

Love,

Mommy

The benefits of not working...

...reading to your son until he falls asleep. You can't do that at work.

Curve Balls

In a very sad and unexpected turn of events, Bill's business fell victim to the deteriorating economy and as a result was laid off last Friday. Completely unexpected and totally devastating. The past week was difficult emotionally. One minute we were hopeful, and the next I found myself tearing up. The unknown and lack of security of knowing what the future holds is the worst part. We are buying a house and another baby is on the way- it is never an ideal time to lose your job, but things like that make it a little harder to swallow.

Over the last week, as things have soaked in, I feel better. It is not the end of the world, and things will be fine. Rather than take a 5 year old tantrum and kick and scream on the floor, I decided to make a list of things that ARE good and completely out weigh this new development to force myself to be reminded of everything there IS in our lives to be thankful for.

1) We are healthy
2) We have a beautiful, funny, wonderfuly oblivious little boy whose ignorance to life around him helps us laugh and relax.
3) Daycare was one of our biggest expenses, and it goes with a job.
4) We will be financially ok while Bill searches for a new job.
5) We still have really good health insurance.
6) I still have a job (knock on wood).
7) We have family and friends and most importantly eachother.
8) We have a roof over our heads
9) We can still put food on the table
10)We are welcoming a new baby in September
11)We are still able to laugh, alot
12)We have gotten through A LOT worse.
13) We are still able to get the new house without putting ourselves in any type of comprimising situation.
14)We already live modestly, and will not have to learn to live without much.
15)Jack will be able to have quality time with his Daddy.

and on and on and on...

Month 19

Dear Jack,

Here we are- month 19- let's hope we all survive to see month 20. Who every coined the term "terrible twos" needed to include a footnote that said "and if by a year and a half you already find yourself wanting to play in traffic and cradling a bottle of kahlua as your cry yourself to sleep every night, substitute the word 'twos' with 'terribles'". It is like I have two children already. There is Jack, my fun loving goofball baby who loves to cuddle with his mommy and daddy and run and play and smile and pet bunnies and eat his dinner without a fight and go to bed without ripping off an arm. And, then there is Jack's twin brother Bert who's response to EVERYTHING is "No", who hits people in the face without any particular reason, who kicks the floor and screams and throws things when he does not get his way and refuses to go to sleep or eat his dinner and likes to torment bunnies for fun. Ok, maybe he doesn't like to torment bunnies, but he doesn't like to pet them. We try spanking sometimes, but usually that just results in you LAUGHING at us like this is all some big game we are playing. I personally prefer a rousing game of softball- but that's just me. So instead of spanking all of the time, we are trying "time-out". Time-out is the highchair that you do not use anymore because it is the only thing that will confine you in one place for two minutes. I am not sure if it is working, but, by golly we sure are making the effort.

I can not speak for him, but I am sure your father's brain and pysche are just as fried as mine. Just the other day, while I trying to get you to stop emptying my underwear drawer for the eighth time in a row, I became so frustrated that I yelled something I never thought I would ever YELL as a mother. "DO YOU WANT JELLY BEANS OR NOT?!?!?!?!" Your father laughed and asked, "Did you just yell at him, 'do you want jelly beans'". I did...I did. And, since I cannot have alcohol right now, I usually try and numb my twitching body with some watermelon sour patch kids or fruity tootsie rolls after you do to bed. My new gym membership will be coming out of your allowance.

I suppose it isnt all just fighting to get you to take your coat off when we get home every evening. There are just as many laughs and applauses. And, I realized this month just how much you really do love me and want me around. I had to go on an audit and was gone off and on for four days. Ever since I came back you have been my little shadow. Any time I leave or you even think I am leaving, you cry hysterically and crunch your hands for me to bring you with me. In fact, now when I drop you off at daycare I have to trick your attention away from me so I can leave, but I find out that you still cry hysterically for an hour after you realize I am gone. It is heartbreaking and yet in some sick twisted way- comforting. You have been in daycare since you were six weeks old, and one of my fears was that you would always want them more than me. There have been days when you have not wanted to leave there and have kicked and screamed all the way to the car and I told myself that you were just having too much fun- as I choked back tears. But, now, knowing that our time together is THAT important to you and that you do need me and want me and really miss me makes me realize that I must have done something right.That there is a bond between you and I stronger than even I could have ever imagined or ever hoped for.

Love,

Mommy

Establishing A Foundation

Today, after work, we are starting the physical search for a house to call ours- our own home. Our lease is up in June, and with a new baby on the way we DEFINITELY need more room. We are tripping over ourselves as it is and so I can not imagine adding another human being into the mix. We had originally planned on renting, because the thought of owning did not seem at all feasible. The thought never even crossed our minds as being an option. When we began having trouble finding rentals on our own, we enlisted a real estate agent. After meeting with a finance man- that is his official title of course- and seeing everything on paper, purschasing a house did not seem scary at all but actually extremely possible and realistic. The monthly payments for a mortgage, real estate taxes, and home owners insurance would be less that what we were expecting to pay for rent. Why throw all of that money down the toilet when you could at least be building equity. Plus, with the new home buyer credit of $8K given to you by the government, it made the decision even easier. We can take what we had put aside and use it as a down payment and then replenish it after we get the credit back.

When we left the realtors office that first night after discovering the possibilities and the realities, I cried. I do not believe everyone is entitled to own their own home, I believe it is a priveledge. I feel so blessed and so completely grateful that we are able to do something that I thought we would not be able to do for at least another 5 years. Knowing that Jack will have a home that is ours to grow up in and that when we bring our new baby home from the hospital, we will be bringing him or her somewhere we have established for their future means so much to me. The whole thought of it still feels like a dream, but I feel good about that. I am happy that I am humbled by this, because it means that I truly treasure and appreciate everything that we have.

Month 18

Dear Jack,

Nine days ago (just to provide an example of the friedness of your mother's brain- I had to use a calculator to help me figure that number out and I still do not feel confident that it is correct) you turned 18 months old. Just yesterday as I was getting ready for work, you joined me in the bathroom and proceeded to retrieve yourself a q-tip from underneath the sink. If you hadnt started to use is to clean your cheek, I would have believed you were much older than half way into your second year of life. FYI- when you start using them to clean your ears, people generally do not appreciate when you put them back into the q-tip box. And, you do not have to save them, that is why they put 400 in a box.

In other news, you are becoming quite defiant and bully-like. If it werent for the fact that another little one were on the way, I would probably still think yesterday when you waltzed into daycare, stole a toy from a little girl, and then punched her in the face when she wanted it back was kind of ridiculously funny- BUT not funny at all, not at all. I just hope we do not have to put your little brother and sister in their own enclosment so they can save their first black eye for a bar fight when they are 27. I guess this is normal behavior, especially since you have to present yourself as tough against the older kids at daycare. Your father and I are just having a hard time trying to decide how to discipline you. Do you smack back -CHILD SERVICES-, do a time out, sit down and ask you to talk about your feelings? When do we know when it time to use a certain method? For example, when can we start making you sit at the table until you at least attempt to eat what I made for dinner- and NO you cannot have goldfish and pretzels again, eat it or fall asleep not eating it. I know you understand A LOT, you prove that time and time again by your actions and words, but how much does that understanding take you when it comes to right and wrong and all of that other Jazz? It's as if I feel like if I do make you stop throwing your food on the floor when you do not want it then that means one day you will sell crack to kids on the street and live under a bridge in boulder, colorado while you eat thrown away chinese food out of a dumpster. I just do not want to do too much or not enough. I feel like when I finally figure out how to handle the stage you are in, you have already moved to the next. I am an anxious person naturally, and so my approach to motherhood is- of course- no different. I am impatient with myself, and I feel like because some things do not come as naturally as I had always imagined they should then that makes me below par as a mom. I want so badly for you to grow-up and when asked about your mother your first response not to be "oh her" and then you roll your eyes and begin to go off in a tangent in your mind about all of the ways I failed you. Just rememeber though, if you ever do, don't forget to remember all of the sponge bob I let you watch and radio stations I flipped through in the car until you bobbed your head in excitement.

Love,
Mommy

Number two already pacifies mommy's paranoia

This morning was my first official prenatal appointment for peanut number two. It was the relief to things I didn't even know I needed relief from. I just left the doctor feeling calm and yet giddy about what is to come. I am so happy I decided to stick with my doctor despite his change in hospitals. It really sounds like the new hospital is going to be even better. As opposed to Magee's 35 or more deliveries a day, Mercy only has about 7-10. I remembered what a stressor that was when I was being induced with Jack. They were not sure if they were going to be able to get me in because they were so busy that day and we were basically waiting for someone to push a kid out so we could take their room. You do not do that to am impatient pregnant woman. I just hope the food is as good at Mercy as it was at Magee...because I almost considered moving in it was so good.

Another wonderful happening was hearing the heartbeat! At only 9 1/2 weeks, that is rare. Apparently this child already recognizes my paranoia's and decided it was best for everyone to be heard. This also means that my uterus might not be backwards anymore WHICH MEANS I might not have to pee through a tube for a week!!! YAY! Here's hoping.

I was also worried about my weight gain. Random side note, I was reading "Fit Pregnancy" in the waiting room and there was an article that said the new American Medical Association's recommendation for weight gain and pregnant women is going to be 5-22 lbs. kjdsflkjflkjasdflkjsdflkjasd;fjas;oijrijtlkjwtlkjw oijjfslkjfsl

Sorry after writing that I had to remove my gaping jaw from the keyboard. THE BABY SHOULD WEIGH MORE THAN 5 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My eye is twitching. Anyway. I was worried about how much weight I have gained. Not only have I started to show quite a bit more than the first time around, but the past couple of weeks gravy has been substituted for salad dressing and most beverages. To my surprise I have only gained four pounds. That is a far cry from the 10plus I had already packed on by now with Jack. I guess gravy does a body good. Suck it American Medical Association.