Welcome back...I think?

Well, it took almost a year, but I am finally back to my pre-Jack body (excluding the very faint stretch marks that will never go away). I guess eating "well" was only getting me so far, and I needed to join the gym to bring me over that small plateau and eradicate the last 5+ pounds and untonedness I could not get rid of.

I feel a lot better about myself in general, and I really want to appreciate the way I look this time around. After I had Jack, I never thought I would ever have the body I used to have before and I began hating the fact that I never allowed myself to appreciate how I looked back then. No matter how much I used to complain about my weight or how I looked, I never realized until I lost that physique how much I really depended on it and took comfort in knowing how I looked.

There is a down side to having my body back, though. I have noticed that it brings some of the old eating feelings back to the surface. I am no where close to having the same mentality that I used to have when I had almost hit rock bottom with my disorder, but it is enough to really that it really bothers me. Everything started five years ago, and everday since I have wanted so badly to overcome everything 100%. I tried to convince myself that a part of it would never leave me to help me accept things better, but I can't handle having this ugly thing continously invade my life.

I always thought that once I was away from competitive running, things would calm down. Then I started to realize that this stigma of thin and successful is everywhere. The business world is perceived as a man's game, but women can easily take control. Let's face it, at the end of the day every man is a MAN, and it does not take a scientist to notice that being attractive and thin is an major advantage.

Do not start panicing everytime I go to the bathroom, or assuming I do not want a piece of pizza at 11pm a sign that I must be starving myself...because that couldnt be further from the case. I just want to be strong enough and have enough will power to stay out of falling back into past routines, and more importantly that past mental prison I was in.

Being back at my goal weight is great, but it is also very scary.