Month Twelve

Dear Jack,

Today you turned one year old (well, it is only 9:01pm so you will not technically be a year old for another hour and five minutes).

This was another exciting month: you started walking. It was completely out of nowhere; one second you were holding onto things and flailing forward and the next you were strolling across the living room. You really dedicated yourself to walking too. If you fell down, you would crawl a few steps to gain momentum and up you went again. The last few weeks you have found smoothness, and where before you hated wearing shoes- today you hand them to us so that we put them on.

This month was also your first camping trip. We thought that if we put you in a room by yourself at night, you would be fine. Unfortunately, you weren't having it and you and I were up almost the entire first night. I would put you in bed with me and think you were actually going to fall asleep, but you would quickly decide "nope" and grab my face whilst laughing. I read not to long ago that no matter how frustrated or horrible a mother is feeling, all she has to do is see her child smile and serotonin is automatically released into her body and she feels happy and relaxed. That must be true, because no matter how tired and frustrated I got, as soon as you smiled all I could do was laugh. Other than the sleepless nights, you did very well. You had your first canoe ride, were introduced to fire, and had a great time digging in the dirt.

Your dad and I wanted to try and make your first birthday as special as we could. It isn't like you can tell us what you want to do or what you would like for dinner, so we did the best we could. I let you do things that I wouldn't usually let you do, like: pulling all of the glad sandwich bags out of the box, play with the remote, throw food in the bathtub, and even eat pop tarts for lunch. We took you to Toys'r'us and you walked around aimlessly in circles with us in tow. We bought you some match box cars and some safari animals, all of with you call a variation of the word "dog". We had dinner, went to the park, came back and ate cake (well, you threw yours at the wall).

The whole day, I found myself thinking back to a year ago. "Right now a year ago I was.....". Right now, at 9:14pm, one year ago I was sitting in a hospital bed about 10 minutes from pushing. Having you was one of the most amazing and humbling experiences of my entire life. Words can't explain how I felt the moment they placed you on my stomach. Every time I watch silly shows with babies being born, I feel the stinging pressure behind my eyes because I start to feel what I felt at that moment all over again.

In some ways this year has gone slow because I can not remember what it felt like before you were here, and fast because I can not believe you are already a year old. You are no longer the fragile baby who lay still and helpless in my arms. Today you are a rough and tough little boy full of personality and energy. You always want to go, but you always know who to turn to if you fall down or just need you mommy. I don't know how many more of these years I will have of you wanting and needing me. I just hope, that when you don't need me, that you always remember that I am here if you change your mind.

Love Always,

Mommy