Month 2- Grace

Dear Peanut, Grace Potato, Little Bean:

Last week, you turned two months old. These two months went much faster than the last two you were in my tummy. One thing you will learn is how impatient I am- almost nauseatingly so (your father is the total opposite, so it all evens out in the end). You really gave me a run for my money those last three weeks- the constant contractions, the constant discomfort. I suppose perhaps you wanted out just as much as I did.

So far, you have proven to be your brother's complete opposite (aside from the fact that you are a girl and not a boy. You are calm, laid back, and content. We can hold you (sitting down) for a long period of time without you screaming and kicking and wailing. You enjoy bath time- a far stretch from your brothers reaction to the "flesh eating acid water" we were obviously immersing him in. You do not hate the car, which makes traveling that much less stressful. You are just easier, much easier. I think God made the right choice giving us the little monster (I say that with endearing love) first. It was nice that he has been easy on us the second time around. Even when you cry, it is so completely unintimidating.

After experiencing one child's growth from an infant to a toddler, I am excited to see how you will develop and who you will become. I am so excited to share a birthday with you, and I hope that you will feel the same way. I hope we can spend it together doing ridiculously girly things like shopping and getting our hair and nails done. I look at your beautiful little face and I hope and pray the inevitable teen girl attitude years are minimal and that you keep the number of times you tell me how much you can't wait to leave home down below five occasions. Sigh...for now I will soak in these moments when you need me and I can hold you and rock you and smell you- oh man...I forgot how good new born babies smell.

I also forgot how much babies grow and change during the first year of their lives. You are already smiling and chatting in your baby language and developing your own little personality. It seems like just yesterday you were staring up at me with those big eyes soaking in your new world.

Your birth marked a significant change in our family- we went from a family of three to a family of four. You evened us out, and brought us to that next level. Your birth made me a mother of two, and brought me to the realization that I am a wife, a mother, an adult with responsibilities and truly at that next stage in life. Not that I did not know that before- trust me I knew! You just helped it soak in. When over three quarters of your life is spent growing up and figuring out who you are- finding your identity and where you want life to take you, it takes a little bit of time to finally get to the point where you can finally take a moment to realize that you found yourself. You are where you are supposed to be- yeah, it took some time and some trial and error, but you made it. Thank you for that gift.

Thank you, also, for sleep...goodness I love sleep. Those first 7 weeks were down right ridiculous. I felt like a shell of a human being, a zombie at best. About a week and a half ago, you started sleeping pretty much through the night. Screw water boarding, put one of those guys in a room alone with a new born baby day and night and believe me they will talk...they will be BEGGING to talk! In retrospect, it has already gone too fast- and all of those sleepless nights are totally worth this face:




Love,

Mommy

Month 26

Dear Jack-

Your recently rolled past your 26th month alive. You are cuter and funnier than ever- and I find myself laughing hysterically at the things you say (regardless of whether I should be or not). I decided to step aside of the usual monthly letter and make a list of some of the things you say and do. I'm sure I am doing this more for my own benefit that yours- selfish, I know, but I figure the stretch marks engraved in my body allow me that priveledge once in awhile.

I need to remember these things, and I know that I won't, I know it is humanly impossible. I can not go the rest of my life not being reminded of these things- these darn things that come out of this little mouth only 26 months old.

Here are some of the greatest hits:

-"You're Ridiculous" Always directed towards me----thanks.

-"Are you kiddin' me?" You started this one day immediatly after I said it in response to a driver cutting me off. Only more proof that you are ALWAYS listening and absorbing.

-"What are you talkin' about" and "I dont care" are always accompanied by a shoulder shrug and both arms raised in the air, palms facing up.

-"I'm relaxing" or "I relax?" which is always conveniently said post a tantrum, when we tell you it is time for bed.

-"I'm awake mommy" Which you say after I have changed your diaper and obviously have already established for myself. You just like to make sure I know, that you are in fact not sleep walking, but awake.

-"Touchdown! Go state" Every time you throw your football or watch a football game on tv. It also does not matter who is playing- they are always "state". Your father is so proud. oh and footballs are "hitballs"

-"sigh....geez" You usually say this very low, almost under your breath. It comes after you ask me to get you something and I ask you to please hold on a minute. You ask about 1390284093824 times in a row, and when I finally can't take it anymore and drop what I am doing to get you a drink (or whatever may be the case)you exclaim this in frustration.

-"We go THIS way!" Regardless of which way we need to travel, you always have an input of which way we SHOULD be going, and then get mad when we do not take your suggestion.

-"CA CHOW" - or anything recitable from the cars movie

- "A truck....another truck.....ANOTHER TRUCK!" You are never failed to be amazed by the presence of large trucks everytime we get in the car. You point out them all, and you request us to find you more when you no longer see them. If I controlled traffic, do you think I would buy Great Value bottled water from Walmart? No- we would drink Figi, why?- because I control traffic and the figi trucks would drive directly to our home. I really do not know where I was going with that...anyway...

-"A clue! ANOTHER Clue!" In response to seeing nittany lion paw magnets on the fridge. God bless you Blues Clues.

-"Yeeeeah" which is usually said in the tone of a sigh, and is your default response for everything...well, except when you are being a 2 year old and then your default response is "NO". Jack, would you like pizza? "NO" Would you like a hotdog? "NO" Would you like world peace? "NO"

-"I had fun at grammy's. I sit by the fire. It was comfy." You are beginning to have unprompted conversations with us. It is as equally adorable as it is a testiment to how much you are growing up.

And last, but not least, my favorite "I lub you mommy".

I lub you too buddy.

Counting Blessings

I used to pray for silly things- or things that I thought were direly important at the time but only ridiculous in retrospect. I used to think God was not listening, as I would cry out- literally beg- for what I thought I needed, but in retrospect were only wants. As I look back at all of those times, the times I thought my life needed to head a certain direction or when I did not know which direction to head at all- I thought I was alone. Where was the answer? Where was my instant gratification? Where was the flock of birds spontaneously flocking past me to let me know I was heard and that everything was going to be alright. It turns out, I was the one who wasn't listening- it turns out I had no idea what I needed. It turns out, God is listening- maybe not to the thoughts going through your head or the words coming out of your mouth, but rather through the echos from each beat of your heart.

I know that I am blessed, and I make sure to thank God every night. I thank him for giving me not what I want, but what I need. I thank him for ignoring my pleas, and for answering my prayers.

It Won't Be Like This For Long

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long


Without fail, every time I hear that song I cry my eyes out. I needed to hear it again today, to remind myself how quickly babies grow into toddlers. How quickly they start picking their head up, rolling over, crawling, walking, and eventually talking and telling their mother's to "be patient". How quickly this:



Turns into this:



The last week or so has been pretty exhausting- I forgot how debilitating newborn sleep patterns were. No, it does not compare to Jack's three hour scream fests, but it is still tiring. Thankfully the last two nights when she has woken up to eat in the middle of the night she has gone back to sleep (hopefully a sign things are changing ...knock on wood). There have been moments at 3am when I think, "There is no way I am doing this again...two kids is more than enough". Then there are moments at 10am when she wraps her little hand around my finger and stares up at me with those sponge like eyes just soaking everything in and I think, "Yep, 10 more sounds about right".

Looking back, those sleepless nights with Jack flew by at light speed. One day, her hands will not fit in the palm of mine and I need to cherish right now before it slips through my fingers, sleepless nights and all.




But right now she's up and cryin’
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers

He lays down there beside her
‘Til her eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long

Month Twenty Four and Twenty Five

Dear Jack,

I apologize for the double post, you see, your mother was not in her right mind for most of June through September because most of the blood in my body was concentrated in my stomach. I am not sure if that is the reason pregnant women become loopy and absentminded and just plain dense for the latter part of their pregnancy, but one day when your own wife is pregnant you will be able to experience it first hand and fully understand and forgive my tardiness.

Last month you turned two years old. It is hard to believe that almost three years ago, my life was set into motion to change forever. And now, every day that passes I see you grow more and more towards being a little boy and further and further away from being my baby. Sure I am excited to see you grow into a little man and to see what kind of adult you will become, but I am not ready for time to get away from me just yet. I am not ready for you to stop wanting me to kiss your "ouchies", you asking if you can hold me, and I will even miss being followed into the bathroom everytime I have to pee. And, while I know that I still have quite a bit of time left, I find it unfair that so much seems to pass just when I blink my eyes. So, if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me "mom" and just refer to me as "mommy" for the next couple of years.

Another big event recently was the birth of your sister, Grace. Your first reaction to her when you came to visit us in the hospital was, "No, that's not Grace". I think you were expecting someone different, someone more your size and not someone so "boring" who slept, ate, and needed held by your mommy and daddy all the live long day. While you are extremely attached to me right now and occasionally fake cry like an infant, you are taking this change a lot better than I was afraid you might. You like to give her hugs, concern yourself with her cries, and are always quick to offer her binkie when she is upset. You just need to learn a little gentless and a little patience, but overall you are already a fantastic big brother.

Sadly, with life always comes loss. Right before the birth of your sister, my papa, your great grandfather passed away. I am sad that you will neve get to truly know him, and that he was never able to meet Grace. He was an amazing man and lived a life that has extended to you a legacy. Although we may never know the whole story or all of the details, he was able to escape from Nazi Germany during the holocaust. He lost everything: his family, his wealth, his home. He came over here with nothing but the clothes on his back and was able to build a successful life and more importantly, create a family. It is amazing to think that if anything would have gone differently, your grammy would not be here, I would not be here and neither would you or your sister.

Unfairly, the last several years of his life he was ill and in a lot of pain and discomfort. He never complained, and once said that if this is what god had dealt him than he would deal with it. He was the epitamy of determination, strength, intelligence and integrity and set the bar high for the rest of us. I hope that we can make his memory proud by living honestly, strongly, and by cherishing one another every day.

With the birth of your sister and the death of my papa, I have found myself thinking a lot lately over life and death. I have been thinking a lot about how lucky we are and how blessed our family is. One of the greatest things my parents taught me was to be grateful for what you have and to appreciate the little things. I hope I can pass that lesson on to you as well. And, even though you do not realize it now, we have given you a wonderful gift with the birth of your sister- the gift of family and a friend for life. The two of you need to look out for one another, take care of eachother, and always be there for one another. Family is so important- We may not have everything in life, but as long as we have eachother, we do not need to.

Love,

Mommy

She's Here!!

I received a wonderful birthday present from my doctor this year- an induction!!! The hubby and I went down on September 15th, early squirrely, and at 730am I was hooked up to the pitocin and labor was started. I was still only 1+ cm and 70% effaced, which means there is a good chance I would have made it to my due date and - who knows- I might be sitting here now STILL pregnant. I can not even wrap my mind around that...it makes my brain hurt.

The whole day went relatively fast- I contracted for HOURS, and they were uncomfortable and somewhat intense but still very bearable. After feeling that, I truly believe I would not have known if I was in real labor if I had waited because my contractions throughout the three weeks prior to being induced had been much more intense and painful. By noon, I was only 3cm and when they checked me at 4pm I was still the same. They finally broke my water and I immediately requested an epidural because I remembered how I felt a half hour after they broke my water with Jack and frankily I was not in the mood to feel like my pelvis was being ripped out of my body. I am so happy I had enough sense to do that, because literally within five minutes my body felt like it was eating itself. God bless Mr. Epidural. I toughed it out all day, but I am not into self torture. I do not sit around my family room bashing a hammer into my pelvis to pass the time, and therefore I refuse to put myself through extended amounts of UNNECESSARY pain. Do not get me wrong, rock on ladies who tough it out and are mentally bad ass enough to breath through the agony. However, I have had a child before, and I know you do not get upgraded to the presidential suite in the maternity ward for opting to take on the pain. It felt like it took ten years for her to put in the epidural, maybe that is because I was trying to hold still and try to ignore the pain of my body splitting in half every 2 1/2 minutes. Once it was in and the meds were powered on...."Angels Singing". Glorious...and my hospital provided the continuous drip which guarantees no pain through the duration of the labor.

Around ten to six, my doctor checked me again, and in only an hour and a half I had progressed to 6cm. Around five after six, my nurse came in and decided to check my progress "for the fun of it". As soon as she began to check she said "Oh my, there's a baby there". Turns out I was ready. Five minutes later I was pushing, and ten minutes later little Grace Madelyn Logue was born. I have been so lucky with the duration at which I have to actually push. I hear stories of women who pushed for hours. With Jack it was only 30 mins and with Grace only 10.

I did not realize how truly uncomfortable I had been the last month until I was not pregnant anymore. I feel like a new person. I feel like myself again. Yes, I am tired, but it is a good tired...a rewarding tired. I feel wonderful. Being a mom of two is definitely a whole new ball game, but one that is laced with experience and confidence. I truly believe half of what makes this easier this time around is knowing what to expect. Sure, I am hormonal and get weepy and I am having emotional issues dealing with this mild jaundice Grace has (clearing up nicely, I am just a worry wart)but I feel like I have control this time. Not to mention, having my husband home this time has been the best part- I am not alone. Just knowing someone else is there is extrememly reassuring and comforting.

So will I do it again? Yes. It would be too weird to think that was last time I was ever going to be pregnant or welcoming a new baby into our family, even knowing the last month of this pregnancy could repeat itself. There is nothing like the moment your baby is born and placed on your chest and you hear them cry and get to touch, see and hear them for the first time. The saturation of emotions that rush in instantaneously is indescribible and it is an uncomparable experience that changes you forever. People would ask me while I was pregnant this second time around if I worry about how I am going to love this new child as much as I already love my first. It is something I wondered about, but never really worried about. I love my little girl more than life itself, and with her only came a greater love and appreciation for my son and husband. A mother's heart can never be too full of love, and just when she thinks it is her little boy asks if he can hold her, she catches the scent of her newborn baby girl, or she sees her husband craddling her children and she feels it grow a little more only to fear that one day her chest just might burst.

There is a light!

Monday morning my consistent crampiness decided to take it up a notch. It leveled off for the remainder of the day and all day yesterday as well. This morning, they decided to kick it up another notch....BAM! (Apparently Emeril is controlling the last month of my pregnancy?) They are intense enough to disrupt my concentration and I have begun to feel sick from it. I had my weekly check-up this morning, but no change- still 1+ and 70% effaced. I began to cry. Yep...I cried like a little baby there in the doctor's office. I feel so blessed the the first eight months of the pregnancy were so easy and uneventful, but this last month is giving me a run for my money. It has not become only physically exhausting, but also mentally and emotionally draining. To my pleasant surprise, my doctor is giving me a birthday present. If the baby does not come in the next few days on her own, I am being induced on the 15th at 730am (Happy 25th Birthday to me!). I still feel like I was hit by a bus, but knowing that I only have two more days of work left and that I will not have to go two more weeks like this has padded some of the mental and emotional discomfort. I am really excited and really anxious. I just hope my body calms down a little bit before then so I can get some rest before next week.